Aug 31

So Stephs party was pretty fun. I saw Sabrina who I haven't seen in FOREVER. I missed her a lot. I also found out who one of the people reading my blog was. And it was one of my friends. I don't mind at all but I'm not doing this blog for advice so when she started talking to me about stuff I pretty much tuned it out. No offence Dawn but I post on this blog and not on the others because my friends advice doesn't help me it makes me angry or depressed. It's why I blog and not talk to people about stuff. Now, I know she'll be reading my blog but that's not going to stop me from writting whatever I feel I need to. So back to about Stephs, it was pretty fun. I was made to watch Moulin Rouge which I wasn't too excited about at first but it's a really good movie. I couldn't get over the fact that the main character was Obi Wan Kenobi though. I kept saying things like 'well that wouldn't have happened if he had his light saber.' But yeah I now want the movie so I can watch it again. Anyway we pretty much stayed outside and talked then when Sabrina left we went inside and watched movies. That was pretty much it lol well whatever at least I got to see people I haven't in a while.

Aug 30

So the poll I set up is done. I'm not surprised there's only 3 votes since I only have 3 people following me. But what DID surprise me was that the 3 people who voted weren't all in the 'i follow' catagory. In fact 2 of the 3 were not. That means there are 2 people I don't know reading my things. I have no problem with this it just makes me curious. I mean do I know you? Or are you someone who found my blog randomly one day and decided you were so bored you'd read it. I know I've never got a comment from whoever you are, that's fine as well I mean you don't have to comment, the people following me barely comment, I think I've got 3 comments all together and one of them was me. Anyway I just hope you enjoy reading for whatever reason you do. Maybe it's becasue you feel sorry for me, or you're boerd, or you like reading to make fun of me or whatever just hope it's interesting in some way to you.

On a different note today I'm going to a 'goodbye party' for my 2 friends who are leaving to Toronto for school. It's pretty much the last time we'll have almost everyone together is all. I guess I'm excited..

Sort of.

Aug 29

9 days. 9 fucking days. I don't know what to do. I hope this sickness gets worse and I can't go to school or something. God since I have to go back I wish I at least had some really awesome earphones. I actually started this post a while ago but I forgot about it, anyway I can't write more now because I'm going to watch a movie with my brother.

bye.

twitch 9 days.

Aug 28

Sooo I'm moping again. Big surprise. So yesterday we went to my brother Darins place for dinner. My brothers Darin, Taylor and Melvin(little brother) were all there and making fun of me . -nod- But it wasn't normal making fun, it's the kind that makes me wish I wasn't alive cuz I'm such a failure. Just letting me know how dumb I am. How much of a failure I am. How I can't do anything right. You know that kinda stuff. So finally, because I was so over tired I felt like crying so I left the house headed for the park. Unfortunately before I could make it there for a good cry my sister in law called me from her car and asked if I wanted to go to the store with her. Because I didn't want anyone to know I was going to cry I said sure and got in the car with her. It was hard to not cry walking up to the car and being in the car. I didn't get my good cry yesterday. And I can't have it today since my brothers girlfriend is here. Crying is pathetic anyway. I mean just cuz my life sucks doesn't mean I should cry right? I mean just cuz my friends purposly don't tell me about things then I find out by accident from their little brother doesn't mean I should feel betrayed right? Just cuz my brothers hate me and make me feel like shit every time we're all in the same room for fun doesn't mean I should cry, right? Right. I need to stop being such a baby all the time. 'Take care of myself' as they say. Perhaps I'll go die somewhere, it's easier then life and though they say its stupid they would probably feel relieved that I'm not around to bother them anymore. They wont have to 'take care' of me or 'baby' me or anything cuz there wont be a me to bother with. Have I mentioned I'm sick yet? No not sick in the head. Then again I could be. No it's kinda like a cold I guess. I feel like shit. I almost threw up and I'm dizzy and have a headache. Maybe I'm dying? No that would be too much to ask. What fun would it be for everyone else if I wasn't around to make fun of. You know my only brother that doesn't bother me about stuff is my niisan. And at the moment I'm really missing him. Oh there we go here come the tears. Gotta keep it to a minimum though since my little brother and girlfriend are downstairs and could come up at any moment. Anyway my niisan never bothers me about a job. One of the favourite subjects to bother me about with my other brothers. He never bothers me about my eating or lack of eating rather. He doesn't constantly let me know how stupid I am either. I'd like to visit him and Jeanette again at their house before school but oh wait thats only 10 days away. Oh great I just remembered I have eyeliner on. Perhaps I can just make it look like I rubbed my eyes instead of looking like I was crying like the baby I am. Oh right my little brother got new speakers for the computer he has in his room. Cool huh. Now he's got everything cool in his room. Oh hah guess what? My dvd player's broken. haha yeah it's funny. The only thing I have in my room is broken ahaha. I feel sick. I wish I'd jsut throw up so I'd feel better already. I think I'm shaking too. Well I guess I'm done now, my moms back in the house and I'm feelinga little empty now. So Still doing the countdown. 10 Days.

Aug 25 (sorta its past midnight)

So after trying to chill out, not ruin things and make my friend believe I'm not mad at her anymore my retarded little brother decided to tell her I'm still mad. I finally decided 'you know what? whatever its not the first time it's happened' when I was mad at her before. So I started talking to her again so she'd know I wasn't mad. Then I asked if she still planned to get a tattoo. Yes she did and yes I could go with her and watch. But then she told me what she wanted. 'Love' on her wrist I thought oh cool. Then she said she wanted the japanese kanji 'love' there too. That's what annoyed me. I've always wanted that tattoo and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before. It bothered me but I didn't want to say anything. So I decided 'hey what if I got it before here then it won't look like I copied her' it was a good idea but it made me feel kinda bitchy which I told Michael. He told me that it was no bitchy-er then saying she had stole my idea. So either way I guess I'm a bitch. What I didn't know was my stupid brother was downstairs on his computer talking to my friend. He told her I was mad because of the tattoo. Now I know she's gonna get it still. But now she also knows I'm mad. It would have been better and easier if he just kept his damn mouth shut. He thinks that my friends are his friends and it's annoying. I think it's mostly annoying because if they had to choose between being friends with me or my brother they'd choose him since he's nicer. Sigh damnit I hate feeling so lonely and crap. I'd really like a kitten so I can talk to it ( yeah I know that's weird.) and have something to snuggle with and stuff but mother wont let me have one. I mean I even know where to get a free kitten. But she still wont let me have it. I guess I'm destined to be lonely for my entire life. Sucks to be me.

God. Does anyone have a little brother who thinks they're smarter then you? Or a little sibling in general who thinks they're smarter. They give you advice tell you what to do pretend they're amazing. It's really fucking annoying. 'you need to learn to be cheerful! It makes life so much better!' the brat says. I don't have anything to be cheerful about so how the fuck am I supposed to act all cheerful. He's got more then me of course he's happy. His room has more stuff in it then mine. Hes got a dumbass girlfriend and has had many while I at 18 years old have never had one I'm just really sick of my life right now... I'm so annoyed. I hate who I am but can't change.

Aug 24

So I got up at 4. I had a nightmare. It was weird and thinking back on it it makes no sense. I was in a shopping mall with my mother my brother(who wasn't really my brother) and a girl with younger siblings who were twins. We had split up to do something, we took pictures too then we were running for some reason and we get to my brother then slow motion a fuckin car comes out of nowhere and hits him. So we're crying that he's dead and stuff and then my brother's all of a sudden gone and it's my mother who had died. The twins changed clothes and expected no one to notice. I got mad and screamed at the boy who just had a wig on, not even his clothes changed and yelled at him 'do you expect us not to notice?!' he smirked and said something then I looked over and the girl ran. I turned to the older sister and demanded to know where she was going, she said to find my brother. We went to a car where I was mad and crying and everyone was happy and stuff then I screamed in anger and sadness and I woke up to my mother yelling that it was 4 and I should get up. I ran upstairs and hugged her. She thought I was mad but it was the first time I've been so glad to be woken up. The dream now makes no sense but then it was crazy real.


My brother's friend (the one with the tattoo -pout- ) has kittens that she needs to get rid of, for free. My mother will not let me have one. It's not fair... I'd like to have something I can cuddle with I'm pretty lonely but she doesn't really notice that I guess.

Aug 23

So it took my brother a while after seeing the cake to understand but I think he liked it. I think. So my little brother cleaned his room and stuff yesterday with my brother marty's help. I didn't think anything of it. I mean it's cleaning a room how exciting is that? I found out last night though that he has his computer in his room now! It's not fair! I don't even HAVE a computer and I'm older! I mean I MIGHT understand if he had his computer and I had my TV but noooo he's got a TV in there too! And all the game consoles! Everyones all 'well if you had a computer you'd never come out of your room' well so what? I'm on the computer upstairs right now my mothers a few feet away and she's got the TV on, I've got my music in and we're not talking. I'd be better off in my room. I could blast my music and work on things like my blog without having to worry about someone walking past me and seeing it. He got his computer for free too. I could have gotten one too if my mother didn't take so long in deciding if I could have it in my room. Taylor bothered me saying 'don't blame it on mom' and being all in my business again. God that's annoying. That tattoo is haunting my dreams. Seriously. I keep dreaming of getting it but I know it's painful so in my dream I'm in pain too. It sucks. I'm scared to get it but I really want it. Well whatever. I'll stop here for today.

Aug 22

Okay so I'm getting a tattoo. I dunno when but I know I want it. http://foottattoosdesign.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/cancer-ribbon-tattoo-ideas.jpg that's it. Except where it says mom it'll be dad and the red will be blue and the dates will be changed. Last Night at 5 in the morning I had a break down randomly. It happens everyonce in a while. I couldn't sleep until 6 in the morning. Anyway I'm getting the tattoo some time. I'm still scared of needles though.

Aug 22 (sorta, its 12:30)

Okay so we just picked my little brother up from his girlfriend and friends sweet 16 party. One of his little friends (a 16 year old girl) has a new tattoo. We were talking about tattoos in the car and my brother said he wanted a couple. I laughed and said he'd have to wait until he was 18 when he could go get one without moms permission cuz she'd never give him permission to get one. She agreed saying she wouldn't. He whined about it for a bit and then I said I could go get one if I wasnt scared of needles. I couldn't decide what I wanted though. He told me his girlfriend was going to get one too in a few months and I asked what she was getting. He told me she was getting a caner ribbon with a puzzle of other colors on the inside. I asked why and what colors. He told me a few and I asked what they were for. He said the dark blue one was for prostate cancer (which when I got home and looked at he was wrong, it's light blue) and I asked him why she'd get that one and he told me for dad. That irritated me a bit and I told him she wasn't even in our family so she shouldn't get it. I think I was mostly irritated because I know I'm too much of a wimp to get a tattoo and she isn't. Now I want a tattoo more then ever. Not just for me but for my dad kind of. I want a prostate cancer ribbon (light blue ribbon) on my forarm with my dads name in it or maybe just 'dad'. Anyway yeah I really want a tattoo.


My friends mother is kinda crazy. She's making Elena(my friend) get rid of all her anime and manga related things until the end of university she's always controlled Elena so I convinced her to get a tattoo, which her mother said she couldn't get. So when she's 18 we're secretly going to get her one. I'm excited ^^ On a completely different note tomorrow I'm making a cake for my brothers birthday and it's hopefully gonna rock. I'm excited ^^

bye now

Aug 18(second post)

So I didn't want to go to her photo shoot because it was 7 deadly sins which is the big project I did for school so she kinda took my idea and I wasn't too happy. Now I saw the photos and wish I was there. Only because sabrina was there and i havent seen her in forever and today online she didnt seem too happy. Now I'm extremely bored and for some dumb reason slightly sad or depressed. I'm actually learning a song on the guitar even though I can't play. 'I wanna' by all american rejects I don't know why I'm so obsessed with it right now but I am. I wish I could sing and play guitar. I could actually start a band then. And I could feel as happy as I do when I'm blasting music when I'm home alone. Ugh I'm just being stupid. Only talented people can have bands. It's also a little harder to start a band when all your friends are leaving for university. God life sucks haha

Aug 18

I got to see Scott Pilgrim. It was pretty good. I have that 'no emotion' feeling thing again. I wonder what's wrong with me. I want to draw sad pictures but I can't draw well at all so I'm having trouble I'd thought about writting songs for something to do but I also can't write. If my family wasn't home I'd blast music and stuff for something to do. I feel tired but I've slept for about 12 hours. Oh yeah my moms cousin from england is coming to visit in September. It's cool because he's got an accent but I still don't like meeting new people. It's also going to be around when we start school again and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be happy then. It's starting to get to me. Even when hanging out with friends I'm not completely happy because I know it'll be over soon. That I'll be by myself in less then a month. My friends keep telling me that they'll come visit me and stuff and I try to be happy about it but i know it wont happen because they'll be busy. I'm going to a goodbye party for Daniel and Stephanie at Stephanies house on teh 30th-31st since they're also going to Toronto so it'll be the last time to be with them. Sigh I guess I can start my count down now.


20 days.

Aug 14

So I want to smoke. I keep having dreams where I smoke. I don't cough and stuff but it looks cool. I want colts cigars though cuz you don't have to inhail them and they're better for you...it's also because my dad smoked them. I'm not old enough to buy them and I also don't really have money at the moment. So I just figured out the movie I wanted to see is not played in Barrhaven because it sucks. David just asked me if I wanted to go to the Expendables on Tuesday and I told him I was already seeing a movie on Tuesday and now it turns out I'm not. But I don't want to go crawling back to him telling him I'm not going anymore then ask for information. I want to se Scott Pilgrim anyway not go see another movie so they can go 'oh Scott Pilgrim was much better then this movie' hopefully I'll be able to see Scott Pilgrim at some point.

Aug 13 (second post)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHA! HA! HA. HA. HA.HAHA. FUCK YOU.
Hm how strange that didn't make me feel better at all -frown- I wonder why?
Right now I have a want. A feeling of need. The need to do something bad and stupid.
Why? Well I do have a little idea but it's just as stupid as what I want to do.
I want to go to a movie alone. See if anyone bothers me. Don't try to stop them if they do.
I want to do something stupid that I know I'll regret later. Give away my first kiss. First make out session to some random person.
Go to the same place my friends go while their out together and they don't invite me just so they can ask who I'm with and I'll tell them nobody. That I'm alone and going to meet a random person.
I want to do something SO stupid. Go get pregnant. See if anyone cares or notices me then. If not at least I'll have my baby.
Go get drunk at a random party with random people.
Go get high just because no one cares.
Commit suicide. Because life's pointless. No one will miss me anyway.
I want to do something stupid....something I'll regret....and I know if I say this here no one will stop me.
I'm going to go to the movies by myself on Tuesday. If my mother asks who I'll be with I'll tell her I'm by myself. If she doesn't let me go I'll tell her I'm meeting friends. Maybe something bad will happen.

Aug 13

It's friday the 13th. It's supposed to be my lucky day. So far it's not been lucky at all. My friends are going to a movie that I really wanted to see and my mother wont drive me. -smirk- what a surprise. Not just my mom not driving me but that my friends get to go to another movie that I really wanted to see without me. I guess I'm blaming them a bit but I know I shouldn't. I know I'm just jealous. Eclipse, Avatar the last airbender and today Scott Pilgrim vs the world. 3 movies I want to see terribly. 2 of which my friends have seen without me. Well today is the 2nd one. Again it's not their fault. Not really. I got the information from them and asked my mother and she refused to drive me without me even finishing explaining. If I wasn't such a loser I'd have my G by now then I could just ask for the car instead. But no I'm a loser and got my license this year only. Ow. fuck. I think I just burnt my tongue with my tea. God. Some day my 'lucky' day is turning out to be. Lately my brother's been really annoying. The one that came back from Vancouver. He's always saying that he's 30 living at home with his mother not knowing what he's doing with his life and that I don't want to end up like him. Then he tells me to do things. What gives him the idea that the guy who doesn't know what he's doing with his life can tell me what to do? We fought before he left camping with his friends and I'm still not sure if I'm not going to angry with him when he comes home. My little brother can be quite annoying too though that's nothing new since he IS my little brother. My other older brother that lives in NG helped me out with my resume last night and its all ready to hand in when my friend takes me to bring it in. I'm not really excited. When I started writing this post I was a little depressed. Then I started to not really feel anything. When asked how I was I said I wasn't really sure. Now I'm listening to a song I used to hate but now I can't listen to it without laughing or at least smiling. I suppose it's a good thing but I can't share that with anyone cuz all my friends hate the song. I've got no way of getting them either so I'm on youtube when I shouldn't be. Listening to them also makes me want to write my fanfiction. I'd stopped writting for a bit because even though I have a few people 'following' my fanfiction I barely get any reviews so it makes me slow at writing it. It's happening again. I'm going into that weird apathetic mode. Hn. Maybe I'm depressed. Well I certainly am when I think of 25 days from now. Stupid school. Whoever came up with that idea was a fucking moron. Pff there goes my mother being an ass again. She's so paranoid she doesn't use her credit card online. I don't like my brother's girlfriend but he's trying to buy some dumb ring online for her and like most 15 year olds doesn't have a credit card of his own. So she should help but she's not nice like that. Wow it's 4:35 I bet they're at the movie right now. I wonder how it is. I think a higher entity is making fun of me. I also saw on facebook that the movie I really want to see that my friends are out seeing right now comes out today. Yay. Oh haha wow I'm so weird. I actually can't listen to these songs without laughing and being happy. Do you have a song like that? wait why am I asking it's not like you'll answer. That is if there is anyone actually reading this. I actually wonder if there's anyone who's ever checked this out besides my friend. So I've been writting my fanfiction at the same time as writting this blog for over an hour. I'm pretty much just putting anything that's happening around me on the blog because I've nothing better to do and I haven't posted in forever. Well my mother and brother still haven't stopped fighting. It's now 5:16. They're ridiculous. Speaking of ridiculous I want to start a band. Now I'm not going to tell anyone because I wont admit I'd like to be a singer and I know my friends will think its a dumb idea. Specially now that everyones leaving to university. I've wanted to actually be in a band since I was little but I know I'm not a very good singer. The closest I can get to a band is rock band which I haven't played in forever and would love to play. I love singing in rock band but one of my friends seems to think that I should always play the drums because she can't do anything. Ugh I'm so bored and my mother is inside so I can't blast music and sing T_T. Alright this going back and forth in between my fanfiction and my blog is confusing. I'll go now.

Jaa mata

Aug 10

So I've been thinking...i know..crazy right? anyway I've been thinking...what if I'm legit depressed? Like I'm barely ever happy, I get mad a lot for no reason, I barely eat, so what if I really am depressed? But then when I think that I think, would a depressed person say they're depressed?
I dunno -shrug- Anyway I went camping this weekend...at my sisters. Yep are family stayed in her huge backyard camping in tents. Cept when it rained then we were all inside. By the end of it all everyone was grumpy and I was glad it was over. One more thing to say before I leave. It's annoying as fuck when you need to talk to people to plan things and they're NEVER on.


Jaa mata.

Aug 3

Leaving for toronto tomorrow..wooo...gonna stay at my aunts while we're there...going to marine land and niagra falls for my sisters birthday. we come home friday then saturday we're out camping until the 11th i believe.. anyway none of thats extremely exciting to me but after all that for my friends birthday we're going to go see that new Scott Pilgram movie..or whatever its called anyway ive been waiting to see it and this time ill actually be invited instead of people going to a movie i want to see without me! I know its quite exciting! -sigh- my friend A will probably be gone by the time I get back..I wont be able to see him for quite a while...well..im going to go mope some more perhaps ill post when i get back

Jaa mata