Feb 6

I can't leave my room without fighting with someone in this house. I need to leave. I need to get my own apartment but to do that I need a job. I wish I wasn't me. I'm too scared to do something as simple as get a job and I'm too scared and weak to kill myself. I think it's mostly because I don't like pain. But followed closely by I don't know what would happen after. I mean if I was sure I'd see my dad I don't think I'd be as scared. In fact I might actually go about killing myself just to see him again but the thing is no one knows what will happen after death. I only have what I think would happen. And I don't think that anything would happen. Anyway. Back to the moving out thing. I'd really like to. specially since my brother keeps being an asshole and how my mother is always taking a joke so seriously so that we start fighting. I hate how my little brother acts like such an angel when it's me who's being yelled at. I ask him how to turn on the tv to watch down here because me and my mother fought and he goes 'I'm not telling you go apologize to her.' when he's done way worse. It pisses me off. If I'm lucky(which I never am) I can get out of here soon or perhaps get ill and die. Either way I hope it happens soon.

Feb 2

Well I'm done. I've finished high school and just been sitting around with nothing to do lately because I'm too scared to get a job. I tortured myself a couple minutes ago by going through all my facebook pictures and remembering all the awesome times and how easy life was when we were younger and all best friends. I really wish it could just go back to that but I know that's not possible. My mother,earlier, was talking about something funny my dad had done once and I was laughing but it was really just to cover up the tears. As soon as she started talking about him I just felt a wave of...I don't know depression maybe? What a surprise right? I really do mostly use this blog just to write about bad things but it's mostly because I can't talk to anyone about it without feeling annoying or embarrassed. Ugh I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm really sick of it...

Jan 23

I hate exams. I hate school. I hate myself. I hate life. Now. If I were smart I would not hate exams because I would have no problems with any of it. I wouldn't hate school if I wasn't stupid. The teachers wouldn't hate me because I would get good marks. If I was pretty and smart I wouldn't hate myself because, well I'd be good enough. I wouldn't hate life because life wouldn't be that hard. So as you may have guessed exam time is here. My mark obviously sucks I'm going to fail the fucking exam and I do NOT want to go back to that hell hole again. I cannot control my emotions at times like this, I get frustrated and start crying almost as soon as I don't understand something. It's pathetic I know which just makes me hate myself more. There has been good news lately however. One of my best friends Sabrina got herself her first boyfriend. I really am happy for her. Well as happy as a (not diagnosed) depressed person can be. I'm glad she's happy. Then at the same time my self pity picks up some more. Y'know since I'm stupid ugly and don't have a boyfriend or a job or a license or car or anything. Ranting here doesn't really do anything...stupid..

Jan 9

So it's 2011. I'm now 19. I feel no different then when I was 16. Except I'm starting to become a longer again like I was before high school. My friends are making new friends in university, having a great time, preferring to hang out with the new friends. I wish I was good at making new friends. I wish I was smart enough for university. I wish it was easy for me to get a job. I wish I wasn't anything like I am now. Yeah so 2011 isn't any better then 2010, in fact it's worse. Because I'm older. Next year I'll be 20, what then? Will I still be the same? Will I still be jobless? Boyfriendless? Two of my family members already seem to think I'm gay. I don't know what to do. I'm so weird there's never going to be a guy out there that can deal with me.