Oct 25th...

I'm an awful person. I should be feeling sorry for him, for his family. Not for the fact he doesn't talk to me anymore about anything. Why am I so selfish? Can I fix it? Is it too late? I don't know. I don't know anything. Why is it that every time I'm sad or stressed or angry the only thing I want is the thing I can't have? Why am I not satisfied with what I have now? Why do I always need more? I shouldn't be stressed. I've got nothing on any of my friends. Even those who aren't going to school. I only have 2 classes. And an online course that if I wasn't so useless I'd be able to do easily. Why do I listen to sad songs when I'm sad? I don't like people seeing me cry so why do I make it so easy for someone to walk in on me crying?



Wind blowin’ on my face
Sidewalk flyin’ beneath my bike
A five year-old’s first taste
Of what freedom’s really like
He was runnin’ right beside me
His hand holdin’ on the seat
I took a deep breath and hollered
As I headed for the street

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
It’s still .. it still feels .. a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go

I was standin’ at the altar
Between the two loves of my life
To one I’ve been a daughter
To one I soon would be a wife
When the preacher asked,
‘Who gives this woman?’
Daddy’s eyes filled up with tears
He kept holdin’ tightly to my arm
‘Till I whispered in his ear

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
It’s still .. it still feels .. a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go

It was killin’ me to see
The strongest man I ever knew
Wastin’ away to nothin’
In that hospital room
‘You know he’s only hangin’ on for you’
That’s what the night nurse said
My voice and heart were breakin’
As I crawled up in his bed, and said

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Your little girl is ready
To do this on my own
It’s gonna be a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go
You can let go


My daddy will never be able to stand at the alter with me. That is if I was ever fortunate enough to find someone who would put up with me. My daddy did not die in the hospital but in his room surrounded by people he loved. That's good. It was the fist time I've ever seen my brother Darin cry and I think unless another family member dies it'll definitely be the last. All of my brothers are a lot older then me except my little brother. I hate crying in front of my family. Well my family especially. I hate crying in front of friends too. But some times I wish I could just cry with someone. I just want to cry and be hugged and not feel embarrassed. But I can't. I can't because it would be weird. I can't leave and go cry in a bathroom at school either because people would know. And I'm already weird enough I don't need people talking anymore about me. Unlike the song I was not ready to let my daddy go. I'm still not ready. I curse 'god' or whatever many times when I'm sad for taking him away. I want him back but even if I was to die it can't be promised I'll see him again. I hate being alone. But at the same time some times I hate having people around. I wish people were still in school with me because then I'd see people everyday. Now I only see people on rare occasions. Some have even moved away. Even those who live close to me I don't see. Life's just not fair...is it?

Oct 4

Hate this stupid online course. It's retarded. Like beyond retarded. All it is is charts of personality shit or characteristics of myself. I had to get my friends to look at them and decide what characteristics I had that they saw. It wasn't any better then myself. out of all the things there which we about 50 of them, after thinking forever the most they could pick was like 5. and get this it's rather funny actually, non of my friends thought i was 'friendly' hahaha I know right well i guess this is one way of finding out what my friends really thought of me. non of them thought I was helpful or careful or understanding or tactful, in fact one of them laughed at this haha, or kind (snort course I'm not I mean I only helped a random person on the second day of school that's not kind at all) or empathetic or logical heh or stable but then again with the shit i write here I suppose they're right. My little brother's been getting on my nerves lately. More so then usual. he's always saying how i'm dying because i dont eat and stuff hahaha oh if thats all it took, a day of not eating to die. but no its not that easy. nothings that easy. I had 2 nightmares last nice lol one was like a horror movie the other one was just one of those random bad dreams that make no sense when you think about it. Either way as soon as i woke up from the second one i bolted upstairs to my mothers room in hopes of getting some sleep in her comfy bed. I did. I also got to stay home. but while i was sleeping in her bed i had another dream. it wasnt a nightmare but just a sad dream. my friend that goes abck to that hell hole of a school with me was talking to my little brother on msn asking if i went to school today he told her no i stayed home sick because i hadnt been feeling good either so thats why my mother let me stay home, anyway she called me stupid for leaving her alone funny thing is she leaves me alone every day because she has coop. the day im sick i'm stupid for leaving her alone for ONE day. lmao it just gets me giggling every time i think of how my friends say they like me when it couldn't be more obvious that they wouldn't care less if I died. well whatever i'm done.