June 30

When I say I'm okay, I'm probably not.

When I say it doesn't matter it's probably something important.

When I say I'm just being stupid...well that may be true but that doesn't change the fact that maybe I do want to talk about it

I do like him. How do I know? I'm insanely jealous. She goes out to dinner with him and I sit here crying about it because I wasn't aware anyone was doing anything and I'd been left out again. I'm probably the only one feeling this way though since everyone's always invited places. She said she was completely over him. Hah. That's the biggest lousiest lie I've ever heard. She's always clinging to him, how's that 'over' someone? I don't know if he still likes her, actually likes hanging out with her or just can't say no. Doesn't matter the only person who's ever on to talk to about this with me is mad at me because I'm stupid. I'm very glad I have this blog. I told her today I was sick of doing nothing all the time and all she could say was 'hmmm' then she goes off and has dinner with the guy I like and 2 friends!! I fucking hate life! It sucks is useless painful and unfair!

June 29

So everyone graduated yesterday. Woo for them! Snort who am I trying to kid. I'm so pissed and envious of them! I mean I know I'm the one that was too stupid to pass but I just can't not be mad. I know I'm a bad person for being that way too but I can't change it. At least I don't let them know. All their personal messages and facebook statues' are something to do with congratulating all South Carleton 2010 graduates! Good for them. I even did something stupid and let my emotions slip a bit putting 'still in high school! :D...' on my facebook but of course only 3 out of my maybe 20 ish friends even took a second out of their day to notice it. So I'd say today my 7 deadly sins I have are wrath and envy. But then that's not unusual. I'm also paranoid I believe. Right now no one's online. My first thought? They're all together having fun and don't even try to include me. Then again I could be right and they really could be doing that. But no one will find out that I'm mad except Mi who then again might tell Fr but whatever -shrug- I slept as long as I could today, only 3:30. It wasn't long enough. I still have time to sit here and feel like the biggest loser on the planet. I wish I could just sleep forever. It's be a lot better then this hell. Some times when I'm with friends I think "how could I ever have thought that? these guys are the best ever!" and then I'm alone. and I think "why do I think they're the best. they leave me out of things on purpose. what the hell." That's just my envy showing though, people are allowed to have fun without me. On a completely different note. I've decided I want to learn how to play the piano and violin. But I know I'd never be able to do it because my friend L is right I give up way to easily. Anyway hopefully this is enough that I wont blow up at someone in real life...

bye.

June 24

So life sucks. -nod- i slept over at my friends house which wasn't too bad but we went on a walk at 2:30 in the fucking morning and it sucked. i hate the dark and my friends house is like the perfect horror movie house. Surrounded by trees and a lake. Wonderful. So when they decided to go for a walk at 2:30 in the morning through a graveyard on the way back i wasnt very happy. I got picked up today at 11 and came home. I lost my licence yesterday and had no idea when I lost it. Whether it was at the eye doctors or between the house and the garage. When we got home there was a message on the mechine, a nice man had found my license. That was the good part of my day. We got another phone call today, before I was home. It was my law teacher. I failed. Big surprise there right? I cannot believe I wasted my time going to the law exam. I could have slept. Oh and get this just like in yearbook, I failed with a 40. 10% away from passing! Hah! Some higher entity has a big ass sense of humor. Hm anyway very depressed right now really sucks. I'm also very very bored.
HE also still has no idea that I like him. its good though. I mean it could ruin the little friendship we have. well that's all I feel like putting for now.


Ja ne.



P.S. Prom pretty much sucked ass.

June 21

Prom is tomorrow. I'm not really excited. I don't have a hair style no jewlery and HE isn't coming.
I also failed my law exam today. Pretty sure I'm actually going to have to go back for like 5 classes next year. So a full school year and not just a half. I'm dying my hair again at the moment. It's washed out a bit so I'm re-dying it before prom, my foreheads now blue and my hair dark blue. Wonderful. Actually it's not too bad...right now..we'll see after its washed out. Got my eyebrows waxed today too. it hurt at first as always but I think they look better even though my family says there's no difference. got to go wash out my hair.

Ja ne.
P.S. Hi Mi I know you read these some times.

June 19

Well today was interesting. Went to a soccer game. I always go to this soccer game on saturdays. It's my friend F's 'asian soccer team' the whole team but her and her mother are asian, it's pretty funny. Anyway. today was also my friend LS's birthday party. I had asked F way earlier if we'd be able to make it to LS's party after soccer and she said we could. We ended up not. So LS is mad at me of course. My brother's over right now. Letting me know how much of a failure I am having to go back to school cuz I'm lazy and stuff, like I don't know. Like I need them to tell me that. What they and all my friends don't believe is that I used to try really hard. But my best was not good enough. it was about as good as half assed so why work my ass off when it gets me nothing right? well for that i get 'what a bad attitude' and all that. then stuff like 'well i guess you'll be stuck in high school you're whole life.' haha my family... hmm...Prom's in 3 days. I'm not really excited. I don't have any accessories and no time to get any. I have an exam on monday which I'm going to fail whether I study or not. Stupid Law. it's retarded...anyway...life sucks. I really like that guy. like more then before and now i feel like a loser for even saying that. whatever only one of my friends got ahold of my blog haha -shrug- anyway gonna go talk to him a little more -blush- mahhh<---loser face. oh! S got me a song I wanted hehe it's still alive but it's in Japanese! I'm going to try to learn it!


Ja ne.

June 17

It's already started. I'm missing days for posting, oh well hopefully I just wont completely forget about this blog. I doubt I will since this is where I write my real feelings instead of pretending everything's okay. So on monday when I went to school I went with the intention of getting most of my photography work done. Well that didn't happen. I wasn't even able to get an enlarger. During my law class (which I skipped to go to the programming room) one of my other friends came and found me telling me that F needed more paper. I was very angry since at the begining of the year we get 100 sheets, we pay $60 for 50 sheets and you share them. I shared with my friend F. Bad idea. I used at most 20 sheets of paper while she used the rest, so you can imagine how I was angry that she was asking for more (i had brought some in from last year that i was using) but I gave it to her anyway so she'd be done for next class when we actually had photo. Nope didn't happen. She took my paper and all class to work on her portfolio. So after my english exam yesterday I went and worked on my stuff some more. I got my independent projects printed out and left them to dry on the drying rack. I had a little bit of a break down after that, I phoned my mother and begged her to come get me because there was nothing I could do and I would fail anyway. She was silly and said stuff like don't give up and crap but came and got me anyway. I went back in today to do work, I matted my 7 deadly sin pictures and my 'yin and yang' pictures. There was no way I clould get more pictures done for my portfolio since I had no more paper left. I phoned my mom to come pick me up telling her ive done as much as i could, it was a slight lie, I could have written my write ups but I was so damn tired I just asked a friend matt the pictures I did have if she had time and was bored, she agreed and I thanked her. Which brings me to my conversation with her....


Fr says:
Hello lol
Me says:
thanks you very much
Fr says:
No problem
But N
Me says:
yes?
Fr says:
you got K to write your essay
you got me to do your portfolio
and then i found out you copied SM's stuff in law
lol
Me says:
didnt copy SM's law stuff she told me the answers when she asked what question i was on
Fr says:
well either way lol
Me says:
I'll pay you all for your troubles -bows-
Fr says:
i dont mind doing it for you
its just
hm.
well
you were all upset cause you couldnt get any work done... but you went home early both days and refused to use the free enlargers, then got me to do your portfolio instead of staying and doing it yourself :/
next year youll be on your own
thats all
Me says:
So sorry -nodnod- Sleeping is stupid anyway and it's not like I need to, so sorry for the troubles -bows-
Fr says:
sleeping?
Me says:
Nothing master -bows-
Fr says:
like at night? -_-
lol
-pats-
just
your gonna have to pul your act together next year
so you can graduate
i love you
lol
Me says:
Thank you master -bow-
Fr says:
thats creepy lol
Me says:
sorry master -bow-
Fr says:
lol

First of all, all the things that I 'got people to do for me' I actually did not expect them to do. But either way she was right. I'm completely useless and I suck at life. I wish I was strong enough to quit. But unfortunately I suck at that too. Next year hopefully I'll get depressed enough to either become very good in school or maybe die of depression. I've not exactly been happy lately hah but I've obviously done a great job hiding it so -shrug- it's not like I don't know I'm going to be alone next year. I find it funny how people have the need to tell me that. There's something else that pissed me off and made me depressed at the same time today. In another conversation with F...
F says:
mathew just texted me and asked me to hag out with him and go for a drive
i was like sorrryyy soccer tonight

It is fuckin' hilarious how she's such a bitch to guys and they still go after her. I have no idea why maybe they're just really really retarded. Well maybe one day they'll learn. I doubt it but maybe


School's over. 1 more exam then my hell will become worse (:

June 15

So I'm retarded and forgot to post last night... Too much work ugh T-T but the awesome thing is I asked my friend K to write one of my essays and he did it! I didn't beg or anything and it really surprised me but I'm very happy that he did it. I wouldn't have finished if he didn't. With all that I had an okay day but should have posted yesterday because i know there were some bad parts i wanted to put down that i now dont remember, anyway I'm going to post again later today

Today's the last day of high school. I feel sick..(:

June 13

Well today sucked. I got up at 1 to do my english stuff and I'm still not done. I can't concentrate I started talking to people and my friend K started saying things about going to miss people but how no one's going to stay in contact and I know it's true so I've been a little depressed all day too. I still haven't figured out which 'hero' is my oral presentation hero and which one's my written hero, it's annoying and i can't do it. My friend Mi is pissing me the fuck off too. I'm just trying to help and of course he's being pissy because I'm mad at Fr. Well I wouldn't be if she didn't always lie and get people into trouble and say she knows its bad but does it over and over. She said she's not leaving the house from a lie anymore. which in itself is a lie because i dont believe she'll NOT lie. I have an exam in 3 days and our teacher didn't really get us ready for it so I'm pretty much screwed. I'm for sure screwed for my law exam. It's on the 21st. I wish I could say I'm going to be okay next year but I know I wont. If I had my M1 it might be a little better but it's not going to be okay. My weekend was rather quiet until my brother came home today and started being annoying. Him and my brother always fight. it's annoying. Any way. Not looking forward to these next two weeks...or the summer...or anything anymore really..


still 2 days, since im not counting weekends

June 12

First of all I'd like to say I'm PISSED at my friend Fr.
Last night she went with some guy friends to the movies and that was perfectly okay. I enjoyed the fact that it was only me, S, M, and A having a movie night. But what pissed me off was that Fr decided to go back to her boyfriends house (Mi) when she's not allowed to. She's secretly dating him. She goes back with Mi and friends (K, D, Sa) all boys. She phoned me at the movie night at A's and asks me to ask S if he can go to Mi's to pick her up and bring her back to F's. S didn't want to go all that way just to have to come back to his house so we said no, she said it was alright and that she'd get a ride from Mi's mother, she ended up getting a ride and was there when S dropped me off at F's house. She was moping around and being weird so I went online and asked Mi why she was being like that, he said it was because she didn't have a ride home. So I asked him why she didn't just go home after the movie. All he said was "idk". After when we were getting ready for bed she was talking about leaving at 6 in the morning to walk to barrhaven (we were in North Gower) to take a bus. We thought she was being dumb and wouldn't really do it. Well we were right she DIDN'T leave at 6. She woke us up at 4 in the morning while it was raining hard outside to ask for an umbrella. Since it was 4 in the fucking morning we weren't exactly in our right minds. F got her an umbrella and said her good byes at the door. Once she was back comfy in her bed she realized what happened. She sat up and turned on a light, grabbed a phone and texted Fr. She told her she needed to get back here now. Fr just texted back saying it was 'fine' and that she was already at the end of the rode. They had a huge fight back and forth for at least 3 hours, most of which I was sleeping and F had to deal with it by herself. So that's the story of Fr being a fucking retard. I'm extremely angry. If anything had happened to Fr not only would we feel bad for letting her go we'd also be in deep shit and everyone else would blame us. She didn't think of any of that. She just thought 'I'm not going to get hurt everything will be fine.' She was damn selfish and it makes me mad. She doesn't think and she acts like a fucking moron. I know she's smarter then that. I mean she DID think of leaving at 4 in the morning when we were confused from sleep to pull this shit on us. She DID lie to her father and tell him that F's father was home so she could stay over. I only feel a little bad for hoping something bad happens to her to teach her a god damned lesson.

On top of all that I'm so fuckin screwed for all my classes and I didn't get to go to the asian soccer game today because we had no ride since F's parents were gone.


2 days left of school.

June 11

Today nothing special happened in the morning, we went to school with our bags stuffed
I went to my first period class Law and finished that test
I went to photo next and printed 3 pictures of my '7 deadly sins'
I skipped 3rd period english to 'do photography'
One friend got shot gun in the car and flirted with the driver, I'm surprised he didn't crash
My friends decided they'd invite me to a scary movie when they know i dont like them and now theyre going tonight , some times i hate some of my friends.
But whatever. I'm going to a movie night with better people. it'll be awesome.

2 days..

June 10

Today started off okay I believe
Photo was really good cuz I worked on my R2D2 pinhole camera
I skipped law because we were doing the rest of that test that I was sure I'd fail
My law friend wrote out the questions and "went to the bathroom" during class to bring me them
I finished them tonight with help from a friend
I went to her soccer game but only stayed for half of the game
There were some times I wasn't so happy today but with all the good things that have happened today as well I cannot remember them


3 days..

June 9

Mom was sick today and she still got out of bed and made us breakfast, she then walked us up to the bus and worked all day on my prom dress. I love her a lot and I'm thankful she worked on it. I went to Law class today forgetting completely that I had a final test for that class today. I failed it was an open book(textbook&notebook) test. I'm actually so retarded that I didn't know what the questions were asking and if I found something that might have something to do with the answer I didn't understand what the textbook was saying. I got no answers. Fifteen minutes left of the class and I couldn't try to concentrate all I could think of were painless ways of suicide. I decided that I'd 'cheat'. It WAS open book so I didn't see anything wrong with writing out all the questions and getting my friends to help me with them later. I lost those questions and now have to go to school tomorrow and finish failing the test. All I could think about for next class was how I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy. I just wanted to go in the dark room and cry.

Ugly useless girl. Keep thinking I can change it but I can't.
God thought it would be fuckin' hilarious to make me dumb
and ugly with no actual disease for an excuse. Well.
If there IS a god. I'm not sure. I haven't decided if he's
just a bastard or he's not really there.




When I was in photography I had a good time. I'm making a pinhole camera out of a paint can so today I painted the inside of the paint can black. Me and Fish (one of my friends) skipped the next class and went to royals restaurant. On our way there a little boy around 3-4 was on the school field near the side walk with his mother, she wasn't paying attention so the boy dropped his pants and took a pee right on the law, me and Fish saw and burst out laughing. At lunch there was more yearbook signing, it was pretty fun. Then my favourite class of the day came. Spare. In the programming room. They were taking notes and going over material for tomorrows summative, I had no idea what they were talking about but I had fun still. A friend came in the class though and as usual was all over one of my guy friends. It was quite annoying. She was supposed to have a class then but she didn't have to present something in the class so she got let out and came to bother us. After the class I went on another friends bus to her home to do photography. S, F and Fr(not using my real friends names right now) were all talking and having fun and being too stupid to notice that B was crying. Since I was the only one who noticed I got out of my seet and sat with her letting her rest her head on my shoulder and holding her hand. After doing photography my friends F and Fr we did more 'fun' photography, they dressed up and I took photos. While they were sorting through the pictures it was getting closer to the time my mother was supposed to pick me up so I asked Fr if she could help me with my Law questions she said yes so i went to my bag to get them. They weren't there. They had gotten lost at some point in the day. Tomorrow I'm going to go to Law and fail the rest of that test. I was just told 'it'll be alright' as they continued to sort pictures.



4 more days.

June 8

I have a three part english summative due in a few days.
I've skipped my last 4 english classes.
I found out I like someone.
Even if High School wasn't finished in 5 day's he'd probably never like me.
I'm becoming retardedly emotional, I cry at very dumb things.
I've been extremely tired lately, I'm not getting very much sleep at night...

Today my hair was retardedly poofy. it wouldn't straighten right
I got to school and for some reason my mood got even worse. So I sat on the ground by my locker
Some friends bothered me seeing if I was okay, one friend sat beside me and just held my hand
I rested against one of my friends legs and almost fell asleep before another friend stupidly moved him and I fell. I then punched her in the knee and rested my head on my friends shoulder. I went to photography with nothing to do again. I hung out with a friend in the dark room for a bit of the class. During break I went to find my law friend, she had been sick yesterday and hadn't handed in our work or her summative. She went home. Before Law. I was left to wonder where she had gone and if she had gotten in our work. During the class I got the work i had handed in with both our names on it. I found out after texting her she had got her summative in, but not the work that would be marked for BOTH our marks. I went straight to the programming room after class aftr finding out i couldn't be told my mark until the last class i was the only one there for a bit and was happy that I probably wouldn't have to act all happy and excited. I was dissapointed when everyone that i had a spare with came in the room after the bell. Tatiana the robot my friends have been working on is as cute as ever, now she's got eyes that my friend made light up. After that was lunch, everyone was signing yearbooks and stuff, i signed a few then sat down for a bit. One of my friends picked a flower (by accident i'm sure) and gave it to me, it made me smile and i gave him in return a leaf and laughed. I waited for a bit after that then phoned home to be picked up so i didn't have to sit alone in english again we're doing presentations and i don't have to go yet so i begged my mother to come get me. when i got home i went on the computer and read some manga, as soon as my brother got home we started fighting and mother yelled at us. it wasn't the most terrible day i've had but i'm not going to lie and say it was good.

5 days.

June 7th, Second Post

So school today didn't start off that great. I went to Law which is very boring and my friend who had taken home some of our work to finish on the weekend was not at school. Today was the last day we had to hand in things that we had done since school's almost over. I handed in my summative which will hopefully get me good enough marks to keep me from failing. After Law I went to photo, it really sucked. I don't have a lot of work to do because I can never get my models when I need them, they're usually working or busy with some other thing. English came after Photo but I hate everyone in that class and they were just doing presentations anyway so I skipped and went to my friends car with them and 2 others. We sat and talked for the period. At lunch there was a lot of yearbook signing going on. One of my friends had made cards with pictures she had drawn of her and whoever the card belonged to and a message on the back, it was a lot easier then thinking of something to put in the yearbook at that moment. After lunch one of my friends and I who had spare went to the programming room to see 2 of our guy friends, we got in the way and had some fun. Worst part of my day was when I decided I liked someone. It's the end of the year and it's too late for that now...man do I have great luck.


6 days left...

First post

So I've started this blog as a diary type thing..I know I've done this before and probably will forget about it and not actually continue with it but for now I'd like to have it around...

I know there's a way to put some sort of private thing on here so my friends on another blog can't see it but honestly I don't know if I want to hide it from them or not...I think it'd be easier for me to write stuff here then tell them to their face or even over msn...

I'm terribly sad haha I've pretty much been crying all day while my family wasn't home...reading some blog stuff...doing overdue work... that's what started it..I was doing my law summative and finished sorta so I'm waiting for a friend to come online to read it...as I sat there I decided I hadn't checked the blog in a while...The blog went through a really rough time a few months back, everyone was depressed and fighting, it's better now..a little. It's back to being fun for the most part. So people couldn't really go to it to get things out..so we made another one. For the sole purpose of spilling our thougths of anger sadness and dissapointment. I went to read it. And I cried. I cried at how much shit my friends are going through. How much of that I've never had to go through. The one that hurt the most though was one of my friends that said that our friendships would all end. I knew they would, she didn't hurt me on purpose or anything she was just stating the obvious. I know our friendships will end...and no matter how many times I'm told it'll be fine. we'll see each other lots. we have the whole summer. it's not going to happen and the thought of that rips at me heart. it actually hurts. it sounds stupid but then again thats why I'm
writing on a blog and not telling anyone. I'm really not ready to grow up. not ready to have a job and pay for things myself. not ready to face the real world. hah i so which there was a never land i could just never grow up. but i dont want to lose anyone else. my friends are smart and can deal the real world. unlike me. they're ready, excited even to leave and start new. im selfish and don't want them to go. i would rather them be a failure like me instead of go and get their dreams because I know I can't. I don't even have a dream. I don't know what I want to do. High school's end came so quickly. I thought I'd be in it forever. I hate school i want out....that's what I always thought. but school ending in 7 days...summer where people will be working so they can have money so they can go to the school they want to fufil their dreams...not hanging out like some people think we'd be doing...this summer is not a fun filled summer. it's getting ready to leave. to never see the people you thought you'd be with for life. it seems so stupid how I thought hey Naruto and Sasuke are still connected. they have bonds. they'll never break...I was stupid. there are bonds I guess..but at the end of school they'll break. or become thin until they're barely there

and you find no point in keeping them. I found a website that gave the truth. again it made me cry. in it, it said; Carole King's song "you've got a friend" promises "winter, spring, summer, or fall--all you've got to do is call--and I'll be there." Many people expect that their friends will always be there. They expect friendship to last forever.
Yet, friendships end and friends part company everyday. Unfortunately, even the best maintained friendships can end. Many end because of a change in personality or lifestyle when friends just drift apart and fade away with time. There is a retreat from self-disclosure and seeking out each other's company. Avoidance begins. The friendship slowly loses importance and finally disappears. Sue said, "the end of our friendship was a gradual thing. I moved from one side of the metroplex top the other. We had over and hour's drive to see each other. For a year or so, we met religiously. Then our friendship began to taper off." John wrote, "I didn't even know the friendship was over until I caught myself thinking of Alan as a former friend. In the past tense rather than the present" Pat explained, "We started seeing each other less and less. The friendship was just over."
Other friendships break up suddenly from a disagreement or move to another town. Paul said, "When I moved to Seattle after college, our friendship abruptly died. We were both struggling with new jobs and didn't keep in touch. Now that friendship is so dead, I don't even call him when I go home." Sandy wrote, "That was the last straw for our friendship. I never spoke to Lisa again. It's like we were never friends." Bob Carver, Dallas psychotherapist, says, "A friendship or any other relationship fails because of three things:
-Unexpressed expectations
-Undelivered communication
-And/or thwarted attention
Yet the biggest threat to a friendship is change. Lillian Rubin in her book Just Friends says, "Thus generally it's true that friends accept each other so long as they both remain essentially the same as they were when they met, or change in similar directions. If they change or grown in different or incompatible ways, the friendship most likely will be lost."

I'll be very surprised if anyone ever reads this. and if they do,even more surprised if they've got this far. I will miss my friends a lot. I'm not looking forward to being all alone next year...high school was when I first got real friends. Some of us had been friends in middle school but the friendship either died or got stronger in high school. Next year.. I'll be going back. The rest of them will be moving forward. going to colleges or universities some only to ottawa u or carleton some to toronto...no matter how close they are though. I know I'll barely see them but I cannot tell them how much it hurts or let them see. or cry in front of them. I'm hoping I can keep it together for prom. so no one sees. if i need to let it out ill hide. i don't want to hear the words "it'll be okay." because I know it wont. not for me at least. next year i'll be going back to the loner I used to be. before my awesome friends. this summer ill have to get a job. with people. whom I hate for just being people I don't know and I'm afraid of. or because I DO know them and just don't like. Either way it'll be shit. But I won't let anyone see. I'll put on my fake smile and no one will see how broken I really am.



7 days. Hah. I can hold on for 7 days.