Jan 23

I hate exams. I hate school. I hate myself. I hate life. Now. If I were smart I would not hate exams because I would have no problems with any of it. I wouldn't hate school if I wasn't stupid. The teachers wouldn't hate me because I would get good marks. If I was pretty and smart I wouldn't hate myself because, well I'd be good enough. I wouldn't hate life because life wouldn't be that hard. So as you may have guessed exam time is here. My mark obviously sucks I'm going to fail the fucking exam and I do NOT want to go back to that hell hole again. I cannot control my emotions at times like this, I get frustrated and start crying almost as soon as I don't understand something. It's pathetic I know which just makes me hate myself more. There has been good news lately however. One of my best friends Sabrina got herself her first boyfriend. I really am happy for her. Well as happy as a (not diagnosed) depressed person can be. I'm glad she's happy. Then at the same time my self pity picks up some more. Y'know since I'm stupid ugly and don't have a boyfriend or a job or a license or car or anything. Ranting here doesn't really do anything...stupid..

Jan 9

So it's 2011. I'm now 19. I feel no different then when I was 16. Except I'm starting to become a longer again like I was before high school. My friends are making new friends in university, having a great time, preferring to hang out with the new friends. I wish I was good at making new friends. I wish I was smart enough for university. I wish it was easy for me to get a job. I wish I wasn't anything like I am now. Yeah so 2011 isn't any better then 2010, in fact it's worse. Because I'm older. Next year I'll be 20, what then? Will I still be the same? Will I still be jobless? Boyfriendless? Two of my family members already seem to think I'm gay. I don't know what to do. I'm so weird there's never going to be a guy out there that can deal with me.