June 3 2013

So todays post if all happy (: well i think, i just write this as i go and think so we'll see. So i've started to read harry potter to my mother, we're on the 5th day and only have 3 chapters left of the first book. she keeps falling asleep when i read so its hard to get the books done fast but its fun anyway, shell see why i love the books so much now. i've made my first own crochet pattern, its a squid for my little brother since him and his friends think their pirates and have a kraken on their flag they drew. anyway pretty happy with how it came out and ill make more and try to sell them in westport when i try to sell stuff this summer. my friend GK showed me the pokemon fusion website too and asked me to try to make a fusion called 'weepinduck' so im working on that now, hopefully it comes out good. and last but not least ive got all the materials for Ks headbands for her wedding so ive really gotta get on that cuz i spent $30 of my own getting some materials and dont really have enough money to have that gone for too long, im obviously gonna do my best and hope she loves them and not just whip something ugly up to get money though. so there we go! first happy post in maybe the history of this blog, the only thing thatd make this better is if i could report i found the right color of yarn for jigglypuffs eyes and finished the plushie jigglypuff for the person who ordered it so more people will see my stuff and start buying everything like crazy! alas i have yet to find it and havent made anymore sales but im gonna keep trying cuz thats what you gotta do if you want your 'dream' or 'wish' or 'goal' whatever you wanna call it to come true.

May 2 2013

Been almost a year wow, so this post I won't whine about how I wanna die just about how I'm fat. I've got this 'baby fat' tummy that won't go away and I know everyone tells me to just fix my diet and work out but the problem is I'm very bad at forcing myself to work out specially by myself and I can't force myself to eat vegetables and other shitty tasting foods, when I don't eat I get very grumpy but if I force myself to eat 'good for me food' and I don't like it I'm pretty sure I'll be even worse. 'Once you start eating better you'll be happier and feel better' they say, well I really think that's bullshit, my mother keeps telling me I don't eat that bad, I didn't think I did, I don't really eat a lot of candy chips and pop anymore, most of the sugar I eat comes from the sugar I put in my tea, maybe I do need to just work out more I just hate doing it alone and feel useless while doing it with someone else cuz I'm so pathetic, the only reason I've started being really worried about my fat is because the anime con is coming up in about 3 weeks, I know I'm not 'fat' I've just got this extra flubby stuff and it is really annoying sigh anyway I'm pretty excited for the con and hope that my cosplay I'm working on will go well, I know my face is ugly and I kinda ruin whatever person I'm cosplaying at but I'll do my best. I might start writing more maybe just about my day and shit then I wont explode on here once every year.

June 27th 2012

So it's been a really long time since I posted here and no it's not cuz everything's been going good lol everything sucks as usual in fact its worse because i keep getting older but I don't change on the inside. I still am scared of people and can't get a job but my mothers still pushing me to get one, my stupid idea of selling my jewlery online failed of course because nothing ever goes right for me, I'm out of money but still have to pay my mother back for the trip to BC for my brothers wedding which is $700 and I've got a tab with her still for random things like clothes, I've said I'd go to toronoto already for next years AN so I've got to save up for that, the ticket, the hotel, and if I can money for a cosplay. I don't wanna bail but I'm pretty close to just wanting to kill myself off so I don't have to deal with life. I've never really been good with life and I'm not smart or pretty so its not like I can just marry someone rich -laugh- no one would want to be with me, not pretty smart and my personality sucks nod nod well I can't promise I'll be around for my friends wedding I've been looking forward to but I guess thats just what I'll have to do. I do wish I was more like normal peopole and could just 'change' by going out in the world and meeting people but even the thought of that makes me too scared. I suppose I'll let this blog friend of mine know when I've decided to die when I decide lol

Feb 6

I can't leave my room without fighting with someone in this house. I need to leave. I need to get my own apartment but to do that I need a job. I wish I wasn't me. I'm too scared to do something as simple as get a job and I'm too scared and weak to kill myself. I think it's mostly because I don't like pain. But followed closely by I don't know what would happen after. I mean if I was sure I'd see my dad I don't think I'd be as scared. In fact I might actually go about killing myself just to see him again but the thing is no one knows what will happen after death. I only have what I think would happen. And I don't think that anything would happen. Anyway. Back to the moving out thing. I'd really like to. specially since my brother keeps being an asshole and how my mother is always taking a joke so seriously so that we start fighting. I hate how my little brother acts like such an angel when it's me who's being yelled at. I ask him how to turn on the tv to watch down here because me and my mother fought and he goes 'I'm not telling you go apologize to her.' when he's done way worse. It pisses me off. If I'm lucky(which I never am) I can get out of here soon or perhaps get ill and die. Either way I hope it happens soon.

Feb 2

Well I'm done. I've finished high school and just been sitting around with nothing to do lately because I'm too scared to get a job. I tortured myself a couple minutes ago by going through all my facebook pictures and remembering all the awesome times and how easy life was when we were younger and all best friends. I really wish it could just go back to that but I know that's not possible. My mother,earlier, was talking about something funny my dad had done once and I was laughing but it was really just to cover up the tears. As soon as she started talking about him I just felt a wave of...I don't know depression maybe? What a surprise right? I really do mostly use this blog just to write about bad things but it's mostly because I can't talk to anyone about it without feeling annoying or embarrassed. Ugh I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm really sick of it...

Jan 23

I hate exams. I hate school. I hate myself. I hate life. Now. If I were smart I would not hate exams because I would have no problems with any of it. I wouldn't hate school if I wasn't stupid. The teachers wouldn't hate me because I would get good marks. If I was pretty and smart I wouldn't hate myself because, well I'd be good enough. I wouldn't hate life because life wouldn't be that hard. So as you may have guessed exam time is here. My mark obviously sucks I'm going to fail the fucking exam and I do NOT want to go back to that hell hole again. I cannot control my emotions at times like this, I get frustrated and start crying almost as soon as I don't understand something. It's pathetic I know which just makes me hate myself more. There has been good news lately however. One of my best friends Sabrina got herself her first boyfriend. I really am happy for her. Well as happy as a (not diagnosed) depressed person can be. I'm glad she's happy. Then at the same time my self pity picks up some more. Y'know since I'm stupid ugly and don't have a boyfriend or a job or a license or car or anything. Ranting here doesn't really do anything...stupid..

Jan 9

So it's 2011. I'm now 19. I feel no different then when I was 16. Except I'm starting to become a longer again like I was before high school. My friends are making new friends in university, having a great time, preferring to hang out with the new friends. I wish I was good at making new friends. I wish I was smart enough for university. I wish it was easy for me to get a job. I wish I wasn't anything like I am now. Yeah so 2011 isn't any better then 2010, in fact it's worse. Because I'm older. Next year I'll be 20, what then? Will I still be the same? Will I still be jobless? Boyfriendless? Two of my family members already seem to think I'm gay. I don't know what to do. I'm so weird there's never going to be a guy out there that can deal with me.

Nov. 28

So lately I've had no contact with any of my 'friends'. It's my fault of course because I refuse to show that I'm online anymore. The reason for that though is I'm tired of seeing all the people online that are either 'busy' 'away' or 'doing assignments' and then the people who are there just don't wanna talk. So I've left on my personal message which I'm sure no ones noticed yet that if they need to contact me to phone. Fat chance. People only talk online and through texting now no ones going to phone me if they need to talk to me or something. I've been trying to catch up on my online course these past few days. It makes me really angry cuz the shit there is just so dumb I don't know how to do it and if I get help I just start getting angry. Well that's why I'm writing here now. I was working on it got frustrated and now I'm pissed. I worked for my sister yesterday and got some money, only thing is I probably wont be spending it on myself. We have a family christmas draw and I have to buy something for my bratty little brother and then my friends want to have a christmas draw for our group too which I wouldn't mind too much if I didn't have to spend money I don't have to hang out with them whenever they feel like inviting me places. Man I'm glad most people don't see this because I really am just ranting and being angry. I mean I guess deep down I do feel like this some what which is why I can say it here. Whatever... I really need to get a life. I sit here and do nothing. Actually that's a lie this is the first time I've been on my computer in like a week. But I still need a life. I need to not be an ugly loser and get a boyfriend or something. My little bratty brother even has a girlfriend for gods sake! Grah this isn't helping I'm just getting more pissed. I'm done now.

Nov 5

I was super hyper when I got home from school today, early because I had a spare last and mother picked me up, we watched HP 5 I was crazy and excited for my Nii-san to come home for this weekend. We got him, we got home, I was hyper again once it was dark and started playing in my nieces costume box, I fit into a dress I used to wear when I was 4 with a red scarf, a pink tiara and my dad's big sunglasses. I thought I looked wicked and wanted a picture for facebook so I tried to ask my little brother to take a picture but he was busy talking to his girlfriend on the phone and wouldn't. After messing around with my older brother and trying to dress him up the smelly smoke beer smelling man got annoyed and told me to stop and was being grumpy. So I figured I just wasn't wanted, which was true, I'm a girl and just plain annoying so I left, I'm now super depressed for no reason and I feel like crying but I think that's just stupid. I'm bored and have nothing to do no one's online and I suspect most of them are together. Maybe not even that maybe they're just with their 'other halves' "there's someone in the world for everyone" yeah fucking right. Not for me.

Oct 25th...

I'm an awful person. I should be feeling sorry for him, for his family. Not for the fact he doesn't talk to me anymore about anything. Why am I so selfish? Can I fix it? Is it too late? I don't know. I don't know anything. Why is it that every time I'm sad or stressed or angry the only thing I want is the thing I can't have? Why am I not satisfied with what I have now? Why do I always need more? I shouldn't be stressed. I've got nothing on any of my friends. Even those who aren't going to school. I only have 2 classes. And an online course that if I wasn't so useless I'd be able to do easily. Why do I listen to sad songs when I'm sad? I don't like people seeing me cry so why do I make it so easy for someone to walk in on me crying?



Wind blowin’ on my face
Sidewalk flyin’ beneath my bike
A five year-old’s first taste
Of what freedom’s really like
He was runnin’ right beside me
His hand holdin’ on the seat
I took a deep breath and hollered
As I headed for the street

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
It’s still .. it still feels .. a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go

I was standin’ at the altar
Between the two loves of my life
To one I’ve been a daughter
To one I soon would be a wife
When the preacher asked,
‘Who gives this woman?’
Daddy’s eyes filled up with tears
He kept holdin’ tightly to my arm
‘Till I whispered in his ear

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
It’s still .. it still feels .. a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go

It was killin’ me to see
The strongest man I ever knew
Wastin’ away to nothin’
In that hospital room
‘You know he’s only hangin’ on for you’
That’s what the night nurse said
My voice and heart were breakin’
As I crawled up in his bed, and said

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Your little girl is ready
To do this on my own
It’s gonna be a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go
You can let go


My daddy will never be able to stand at the alter with me. That is if I was ever fortunate enough to find someone who would put up with me. My daddy did not die in the hospital but in his room surrounded by people he loved. That's good. It was the fist time I've ever seen my brother Darin cry and I think unless another family member dies it'll definitely be the last. All of my brothers are a lot older then me except my little brother. I hate crying in front of my family. Well my family especially. I hate crying in front of friends too. But some times I wish I could just cry with someone. I just want to cry and be hugged and not feel embarrassed. But I can't. I can't because it would be weird. I can't leave and go cry in a bathroom at school either because people would know. And I'm already weird enough I don't need people talking anymore about me. Unlike the song I was not ready to let my daddy go. I'm still not ready. I curse 'god' or whatever many times when I'm sad for taking him away. I want him back but even if I was to die it can't be promised I'll see him again. I hate being alone. But at the same time some times I hate having people around. I wish people were still in school with me because then I'd see people everyday. Now I only see people on rare occasions. Some have even moved away. Even those who live close to me I don't see. Life's just not fair...is it?

Oct 4

Hate this stupid online course. It's retarded. Like beyond retarded. All it is is charts of personality shit or characteristics of myself. I had to get my friends to look at them and decide what characteristics I had that they saw. It wasn't any better then myself. out of all the things there which we about 50 of them, after thinking forever the most they could pick was like 5. and get this it's rather funny actually, non of my friends thought i was 'friendly' hahaha I know right well i guess this is one way of finding out what my friends really thought of me. non of them thought I was helpful or careful or understanding or tactful, in fact one of them laughed at this haha, or kind (snort course I'm not I mean I only helped a random person on the second day of school that's not kind at all) or empathetic or logical heh or stable but then again with the shit i write here I suppose they're right. My little brother's been getting on my nerves lately. More so then usual. he's always saying how i'm dying because i dont eat and stuff hahaha oh if thats all it took, a day of not eating to die. but no its not that easy. nothings that easy. I had 2 nightmares last nice lol one was like a horror movie the other one was just one of those random bad dreams that make no sense when you think about it. Either way as soon as i woke up from the second one i bolted upstairs to my mothers room in hopes of getting some sleep in her comfy bed. I did. I also got to stay home. but while i was sleeping in her bed i had another dream. it wasnt a nightmare but just a sad dream. my friend that goes abck to that hell hole of a school with me was talking to my little brother on msn asking if i went to school today he told her no i stayed home sick because i hadnt been feeling good either so thats why my mother let me stay home, anyway she called me stupid for leaving her alone funny thing is she leaves me alone every day because she has coop. the day im sick i'm stupid for leaving her alone for ONE day. lmao it just gets me giggling every time i think of how my friends say they like me when it couldn't be more obvious that they wouldn't care less if I died. well whatever i'm done.

Sept 26

So I haven't written anything since school started. well let me tell you it sucks worse then last year which I didn't know was possible. So I'm working on an essay right now for media studies. Should be easy but since it's me it's not. Tomorrow's actually the drop dead due date. Woo fun times. I'm screwed for tomorrow. I wonder if I'll be able to trick my mum and tell her I had to pull an all nighter to get it done so I can stay home tomorrow. I doubt it but I'm gonna try anyway. I should probably get back to that essay...I still have all that online course stuff to do too...

Sept 4

Okay so first of all I WANNA CRRRRYYYYY I just finished watching Samurai Champloo again and I have that sad empty feeling you get after a good anime/manga lol. Okay second I did my hair again, I might put up a slideshow thingy off all my different hair colors. Right now its black blue and orange! Ugh that thought I just had ruined my mood. Guess what it was...Yep school. Piece of shit...no one needs school anymore anyway so what the fuck. Grah just the word pisses me the fuck off. Hmm my hair's soft...Ugh schools on Tuesday. Fuck that I'm not actually staying for the day. Hopefully my friend will be able to get his car and get me outta there lol. At least I get to dress in my new clothes yayy. Guh fuck 3 Days...

Sept 2

So today was pretty exciting(at the beginning) I went with my friend to get her tattoo today. I think I was more scared then she was to be honest. And after watching I'm still not sure if I can do it myself but I really want my tattoo. I also got my new glasses today, they're really nice looking the only problem is that they look weird for my at the moment, I guess my eyes just gotta get used to them. Tomorrow I'm going to my Niisans to bake with Jeanette, I'm also getting my hair cut >< I'm excited. The only bad thing today has been my times table. My school's retarded and I need to fix it.

Sept 1

September. I hate September. School's in 6 days. I'm not excited. I'm actually more sick then usual and I'm blaming it on school. Tomorrow I'm hopfully going to watch a friend get a tattoo. That is if she ever stops watching movies with caleb and comes online. I need to know the time that we're going because I need to get my new glasses tomorrow. I also might need to get my hair cut by my mothers hairdresser who I don't really like because I might not be able to get a hold of mine before school. Then I'll have to dye it myself with box die and no good colors. Woo. Life sucks. Friday I'm going to my Niisans, I'm excited. Ugh this year hasn't started and it fucking sucks already...My brother's going to get out time tables tomorrow or friday. They better have fuckin put all my classes in one semester or I'll fucking kill someone

Aug 31

So Stephs party was pretty fun. I saw Sabrina who I haven't seen in FOREVER. I missed her a lot. I also found out who one of the people reading my blog was. And it was one of my friends. I don't mind at all but I'm not doing this blog for advice so when she started talking to me about stuff I pretty much tuned it out. No offence Dawn but I post on this blog and not on the others because my friends advice doesn't help me it makes me angry or depressed. It's why I blog and not talk to people about stuff. Now, I know she'll be reading my blog but that's not going to stop me from writting whatever I feel I need to. So back to about Stephs, it was pretty fun. I was made to watch Moulin Rouge which I wasn't too excited about at first but it's a really good movie. I couldn't get over the fact that the main character was Obi Wan Kenobi though. I kept saying things like 'well that wouldn't have happened if he had his light saber.' But yeah I now want the movie so I can watch it again. Anyway we pretty much stayed outside and talked then when Sabrina left we went inside and watched movies. That was pretty much it lol well whatever at least I got to see people I haven't in a while.

Aug 30

So the poll I set up is done. I'm not surprised there's only 3 votes since I only have 3 people following me. But what DID surprise me was that the 3 people who voted weren't all in the 'i follow' catagory. In fact 2 of the 3 were not. That means there are 2 people I don't know reading my things. I have no problem with this it just makes me curious. I mean do I know you? Or are you someone who found my blog randomly one day and decided you were so bored you'd read it. I know I've never got a comment from whoever you are, that's fine as well I mean you don't have to comment, the people following me barely comment, I think I've got 3 comments all together and one of them was me. Anyway I just hope you enjoy reading for whatever reason you do. Maybe it's becasue you feel sorry for me, or you're boerd, or you like reading to make fun of me or whatever just hope it's interesting in some way to you.

On a different note today I'm going to a 'goodbye party' for my 2 friends who are leaving to Toronto for school. It's pretty much the last time we'll have almost everyone together is all. I guess I'm excited..

Sort of.

Aug 29

9 days. 9 fucking days. I don't know what to do. I hope this sickness gets worse and I can't go to school or something. God since I have to go back I wish I at least had some really awesome earphones. I actually started this post a while ago but I forgot about it, anyway I can't write more now because I'm going to watch a movie with my brother.

bye.

twitch 9 days.

Aug 28

Sooo I'm moping again. Big surprise. So yesterday we went to my brother Darins place for dinner. My brothers Darin, Taylor and Melvin(little brother) were all there and making fun of me . -nod- But it wasn't normal making fun, it's the kind that makes me wish I wasn't alive cuz I'm such a failure. Just letting me know how dumb I am. How much of a failure I am. How I can't do anything right. You know that kinda stuff. So finally, because I was so over tired I felt like crying so I left the house headed for the park. Unfortunately before I could make it there for a good cry my sister in law called me from her car and asked if I wanted to go to the store with her. Because I didn't want anyone to know I was going to cry I said sure and got in the car with her. It was hard to not cry walking up to the car and being in the car. I didn't get my good cry yesterday. And I can't have it today since my brothers girlfriend is here. Crying is pathetic anyway. I mean just cuz my life sucks doesn't mean I should cry right? I mean just cuz my friends purposly don't tell me about things then I find out by accident from their little brother doesn't mean I should feel betrayed right? Just cuz my brothers hate me and make me feel like shit every time we're all in the same room for fun doesn't mean I should cry, right? Right. I need to stop being such a baby all the time. 'Take care of myself' as they say. Perhaps I'll go die somewhere, it's easier then life and though they say its stupid they would probably feel relieved that I'm not around to bother them anymore. They wont have to 'take care' of me or 'baby' me or anything cuz there wont be a me to bother with. Have I mentioned I'm sick yet? No not sick in the head. Then again I could be. No it's kinda like a cold I guess. I feel like shit. I almost threw up and I'm dizzy and have a headache. Maybe I'm dying? No that would be too much to ask. What fun would it be for everyone else if I wasn't around to make fun of. You know my only brother that doesn't bother me about stuff is my niisan. And at the moment I'm really missing him. Oh there we go here come the tears. Gotta keep it to a minimum though since my little brother and girlfriend are downstairs and could come up at any moment. Anyway my niisan never bothers me about a job. One of the favourite subjects to bother me about with my other brothers. He never bothers me about my eating or lack of eating rather. He doesn't constantly let me know how stupid I am either. I'd like to visit him and Jeanette again at their house before school but oh wait thats only 10 days away. Oh great I just remembered I have eyeliner on. Perhaps I can just make it look like I rubbed my eyes instead of looking like I was crying like the baby I am. Oh right my little brother got new speakers for the computer he has in his room. Cool huh. Now he's got everything cool in his room. Oh hah guess what? My dvd player's broken. haha yeah it's funny. The only thing I have in my room is broken ahaha. I feel sick. I wish I'd jsut throw up so I'd feel better already. I think I'm shaking too. Well I guess I'm done now, my moms back in the house and I'm feelinga little empty now. So Still doing the countdown. 10 Days.

Aug 25 (sorta its past midnight)

So after trying to chill out, not ruin things and make my friend believe I'm not mad at her anymore my retarded little brother decided to tell her I'm still mad. I finally decided 'you know what? whatever its not the first time it's happened' when I was mad at her before. So I started talking to her again so she'd know I wasn't mad. Then I asked if she still planned to get a tattoo. Yes she did and yes I could go with her and watch. But then she told me what she wanted. 'Love' on her wrist I thought oh cool. Then she said she wanted the japanese kanji 'love' there too. That's what annoyed me. I've always wanted that tattoo and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before. It bothered me but I didn't want to say anything. So I decided 'hey what if I got it before here then it won't look like I copied her' it was a good idea but it made me feel kinda bitchy which I told Michael. He told me that it was no bitchy-er then saying she had stole my idea. So either way I guess I'm a bitch. What I didn't know was my stupid brother was downstairs on his computer talking to my friend. He told her I was mad because of the tattoo. Now I know she's gonna get it still. But now she also knows I'm mad. It would have been better and easier if he just kept his damn mouth shut. He thinks that my friends are his friends and it's annoying. I think it's mostly annoying because if they had to choose between being friends with me or my brother they'd choose him since he's nicer. Sigh damnit I hate feeling so lonely and crap. I'd really like a kitten so I can talk to it ( yeah I know that's weird.) and have something to snuggle with and stuff but mother wont let me have one. I mean I even know where to get a free kitten. But she still wont let me have it. I guess I'm destined to be lonely for my entire life. Sucks to be me.

God. Does anyone have a little brother who thinks they're smarter then you? Or a little sibling in general who thinks they're smarter. They give you advice tell you what to do pretend they're amazing. It's really fucking annoying. 'you need to learn to be cheerful! It makes life so much better!' the brat says. I don't have anything to be cheerful about so how the fuck am I supposed to act all cheerful. He's got more then me of course he's happy. His room has more stuff in it then mine. Hes got a dumbass girlfriend and has had many while I at 18 years old have never had one I'm just really sick of my life right now... I'm so annoyed. I hate who I am but can't change.