June 3 2013

So todays post if all happy (: well i think, i just write this as i go and think so we'll see. So i've started to read harry potter to my mother, we're on the 5th day and only have 3 chapters left of the first book. she keeps falling asleep when i read so its hard to get the books done fast but its fun anyway, shell see why i love the books so much now. i've made my first own crochet pattern, its a squid for my little brother since him and his friends think their pirates and have a kraken on their flag they drew. anyway pretty happy with how it came out and ill make more and try to sell them in westport when i try to sell stuff this summer. my friend GK showed me the pokemon fusion website too and asked me to try to make a fusion called 'weepinduck' so im working on that now, hopefully it comes out good. and last but not least ive got all the materials for Ks headbands for her wedding so ive really gotta get on that cuz i spent $30 of my own getting some materials and dont really have enough money to have that gone for too long, im obviously gonna do my best and hope she loves them and not just whip something ugly up to get money though. so there we go! first happy post in maybe the history of this blog, the only thing thatd make this better is if i could report i found the right color of yarn for jigglypuffs eyes and finished the plushie jigglypuff for the person who ordered it so more people will see my stuff and start buying everything like crazy! alas i have yet to find it and havent made anymore sales but im gonna keep trying cuz thats what you gotta do if you want your 'dream' or 'wish' or 'goal' whatever you wanna call it to come true.

May 2 2013

Been almost a year wow, so this post I won't whine about how I wanna die just about how I'm fat. I've got this 'baby fat' tummy that won't go away and I know everyone tells me to just fix my diet and work out but the problem is I'm very bad at forcing myself to work out specially by myself and I can't force myself to eat vegetables and other shitty tasting foods, when I don't eat I get very grumpy but if I force myself to eat 'good for me food' and I don't like it I'm pretty sure I'll be even worse. 'Once you start eating better you'll be happier and feel better' they say, well I really think that's bullshit, my mother keeps telling me I don't eat that bad, I didn't think I did, I don't really eat a lot of candy chips and pop anymore, most of the sugar I eat comes from the sugar I put in my tea, maybe I do need to just work out more I just hate doing it alone and feel useless while doing it with someone else cuz I'm so pathetic, the only reason I've started being really worried about my fat is because the anime con is coming up in about 3 weeks, I know I'm not 'fat' I've just got this extra flubby stuff and it is really annoying sigh anyway I'm pretty excited for the con and hope that my cosplay I'm working on will go well, I know my face is ugly and I kinda ruin whatever person I'm cosplaying at but I'll do my best. I might start writing more maybe just about my day and shit then I wont explode on here once every year.

June 27th 2012

So it's been a really long time since I posted here and no it's not cuz everything's been going good lol everything sucks as usual in fact its worse because i keep getting older but I don't change on the inside. I still am scared of people and can't get a job but my mothers still pushing me to get one, my stupid idea of selling my jewlery online failed of course because nothing ever goes right for me, I'm out of money but still have to pay my mother back for the trip to BC for my brothers wedding which is $700 and I've got a tab with her still for random things like clothes, I've said I'd go to toronoto already for next years AN so I've got to save up for that, the ticket, the hotel, and if I can money for a cosplay. I don't wanna bail but I'm pretty close to just wanting to kill myself off so I don't have to deal with life. I've never really been good with life and I'm not smart or pretty so its not like I can just marry someone rich -laugh- no one would want to be with me, not pretty smart and my personality sucks nod nod well I can't promise I'll be around for my friends wedding I've been looking forward to but I guess thats just what I'll have to do. I do wish I was more like normal peopole and could just 'change' by going out in the world and meeting people but even the thought of that makes me too scared. I suppose I'll let this blog friend of mine know when I've decided to die when I decide lol

Feb 6

I can't leave my room without fighting with someone in this house. I need to leave. I need to get my own apartment but to do that I need a job. I wish I wasn't me. I'm too scared to do something as simple as get a job and I'm too scared and weak to kill myself. I think it's mostly because I don't like pain. But followed closely by I don't know what would happen after. I mean if I was sure I'd see my dad I don't think I'd be as scared. In fact I might actually go about killing myself just to see him again but the thing is no one knows what will happen after death. I only have what I think would happen. And I don't think that anything would happen. Anyway. Back to the moving out thing. I'd really like to. specially since my brother keeps being an asshole and how my mother is always taking a joke so seriously so that we start fighting. I hate how my little brother acts like such an angel when it's me who's being yelled at. I ask him how to turn on the tv to watch down here because me and my mother fought and he goes 'I'm not telling you go apologize to her.' when he's done way worse. It pisses me off. If I'm lucky(which I never am) I can get out of here soon or perhaps get ill and die. Either way I hope it happens soon.

Feb 2

Well I'm done. I've finished high school and just been sitting around with nothing to do lately because I'm too scared to get a job. I tortured myself a couple minutes ago by going through all my facebook pictures and remembering all the awesome times and how easy life was when we were younger and all best friends. I really wish it could just go back to that but I know that's not possible. My mother,earlier, was talking about something funny my dad had done once and I was laughing but it was really just to cover up the tears. As soon as she started talking about him I just felt a wave of...I don't know depression maybe? What a surprise right? I really do mostly use this blog just to write about bad things but it's mostly because I can't talk to anyone about it without feeling annoying or embarrassed. Ugh I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm really sick of it...

Jan 23

I hate exams. I hate school. I hate myself. I hate life. Now. If I were smart I would not hate exams because I would have no problems with any of it. I wouldn't hate school if I wasn't stupid. The teachers wouldn't hate me because I would get good marks. If I was pretty and smart I wouldn't hate myself because, well I'd be good enough. I wouldn't hate life because life wouldn't be that hard. So as you may have guessed exam time is here. My mark obviously sucks I'm going to fail the fucking exam and I do NOT want to go back to that hell hole again. I cannot control my emotions at times like this, I get frustrated and start crying almost as soon as I don't understand something. It's pathetic I know which just makes me hate myself more. There has been good news lately however. One of my best friends Sabrina got herself her first boyfriend. I really am happy for her. Well as happy as a (not diagnosed) depressed person can be. I'm glad she's happy. Then at the same time my self pity picks up some more. Y'know since I'm stupid ugly and don't have a boyfriend or a job or a license or car or anything. Ranting here doesn't really do anything...stupid..

Jan 9

So it's 2011. I'm now 19. I feel no different then when I was 16. Except I'm starting to become a longer again like I was before high school. My friends are making new friends in university, having a great time, preferring to hang out with the new friends. I wish I was good at making new friends. I wish I was smart enough for university. I wish it was easy for me to get a job. I wish I wasn't anything like I am now. Yeah so 2011 isn't any better then 2010, in fact it's worse. Because I'm older. Next year I'll be 20, what then? Will I still be the same? Will I still be jobless? Boyfriendless? Two of my family members already seem to think I'm gay. I don't know what to do. I'm so weird there's never going to be a guy out there that can deal with me.

Nov. 28

So lately I've had no contact with any of my 'friends'. It's my fault of course because I refuse to show that I'm online anymore. The reason for that though is I'm tired of seeing all the people online that are either 'busy' 'away' or 'doing assignments' and then the people who are there just don't wanna talk. So I've left on my personal message which I'm sure no ones noticed yet that if they need to contact me to phone. Fat chance. People only talk online and through texting now no ones going to phone me if they need to talk to me or something. I've been trying to catch up on my online course these past few days. It makes me really angry cuz the shit there is just so dumb I don't know how to do it and if I get help I just start getting angry. Well that's why I'm writing here now. I was working on it got frustrated and now I'm pissed. I worked for my sister yesterday and got some money, only thing is I probably wont be spending it on myself. We have a family christmas draw and I have to buy something for my bratty little brother and then my friends want to have a christmas draw for our group too which I wouldn't mind too much if I didn't have to spend money I don't have to hang out with them whenever they feel like inviting me places. Man I'm glad most people don't see this because I really am just ranting and being angry. I mean I guess deep down I do feel like this some what which is why I can say it here. Whatever... I really need to get a life. I sit here and do nothing. Actually that's a lie this is the first time I've been on my computer in like a week. But I still need a life. I need to not be an ugly loser and get a boyfriend or something. My little bratty brother even has a girlfriend for gods sake! Grah this isn't helping I'm just getting more pissed. I'm done now.

Nov 5

I was super hyper when I got home from school today, early because I had a spare last and mother picked me up, we watched HP 5 I was crazy and excited for my Nii-san to come home for this weekend. We got him, we got home, I was hyper again once it was dark and started playing in my nieces costume box, I fit into a dress I used to wear when I was 4 with a red scarf, a pink tiara and my dad's big sunglasses. I thought I looked wicked and wanted a picture for facebook so I tried to ask my little brother to take a picture but he was busy talking to his girlfriend on the phone and wouldn't. After messing around with my older brother and trying to dress him up the smelly smoke beer smelling man got annoyed and told me to stop and was being grumpy. So I figured I just wasn't wanted, which was true, I'm a girl and just plain annoying so I left, I'm now super depressed for no reason and I feel like crying but I think that's just stupid. I'm bored and have nothing to do no one's online and I suspect most of them are together. Maybe not even that maybe they're just with their 'other halves' "there's someone in the world for everyone" yeah fucking right. Not for me.

Oct 25th...

I'm an awful person. I should be feeling sorry for him, for his family. Not for the fact he doesn't talk to me anymore about anything. Why am I so selfish? Can I fix it? Is it too late? I don't know. I don't know anything. Why is it that every time I'm sad or stressed or angry the only thing I want is the thing I can't have? Why am I not satisfied with what I have now? Why do I always need more? I shouldn't be stressed. I've got nothing on any of my friends. Even those who aren't going to school. I only have 2 classes. And an online course that if I wasn't so useless I'd be able to do easily. Why do I listen to sad songs when I'm sad? I don't like people seeing me cry so why do I make it so easy for someone to walk in on me crying?



Wind blowin’ on my face
Sidewalk flyin’ beneath my bike
A five year-old’s first taste
Of what freedom’s really like
He was runnin’ right beside me
His hand holdin’ on the seat
I took a deep breath and hollered
As I headed for the street

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
It’s still .. it still feels .. a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go

I was standin’ at the altar
Between the two loves of my life
To one I’ve been a daughter
To one I soon would be a wife
When the preacher asked,
‘Who gives this woman?’
Daddy’s eyes filled up with tears
He kept holdin’ tightly to my arm
‘Till I whispered in his ear

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
It’s still .. it still feels .. a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go

It was killin’ me to see
The strongest man I ever knew
Wastin’ away to nothin’
In that hospital room
‘You know he’s only hangin’ on for you’
That’s what the night nurse said
My voice and heart were breakin’
As I crawled up in his bed, and said

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Your little girl is ready
To do this on my own
It’s gonna be a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go
You can let go


My daddy will never be able to stand at the alter with me. That is if I was ever fortunate enough to find someone who would put up with me. My daddy did not die in the hospital but in his room surrounded by people he loved. That's good. It was the fist time I've ever seen my brother Darin cry and I think unless another family member dies it'll definitely be the last. All of my brothers are a lot older then me except my little brother. I hate crying in front of my family. Well my family especially. I hate crying in front of friends too. But some times I wish I could just cry with someone. I just want to cry and be hugged and not feel embarrassed. But I can't. I can't because it would be weird. I can't leave and go cry in a bathroom at school either because people would know. And I'm already weird enough I don't need people talking anymore about me. Unlike the song I was not ready to let my daddy go. I'm still not ready. I curse 'god' or whatever many times when I'm sad for taking him away. I want him back but even if I was to die it can't be promised I'll see him again. I hate being alone. But at the same time some times I hate having people around. I wish people were still in school with me because then I'd see people everyday. Now I only see people on rare occasions. Some have even moved away. Even those who live close to me I don't see. Life's just not fair...is it?

Oct 4

Hate this stupid online course. It's retarded. Like beyond retarded. All it is is charts of personality shit or characteristics of myself. I had to get my friends to look at them and decide what characteristics I had that they saw. It wasn't any better then myself. out of all the things there which we about 50 of them, after thinking forever the most they could pick was like 5. and get this it's rather funny actually, non of my friends thought i was 'friendly' hahaha I know right well i guess this is one way of finding out what my friends really thought of me. non of them thought I was helpful or careful or understanding or tactful, in fact one of them laughed at this haha, or kind (snort course I'm not I mean I only helped a random person on the second day of school that's not kind at all) or empathetic or logical heh or stable but then again with the shit i write here I suppose they're right. My little brother's been getting on my nerves lately. More so then usual. he's always saying how i'm dying because i dont eat and stuff hahaha oh if thats all it took, a day of not eating to die. but no its not that easy. nothings that easy. I had 2 nightmares last nice lol one was like a horror movie the other one was just one of those random bad dreams that make no sense when you think about it. Either way as soon as i woke up from the second one i bolted upstairs to my mothers room in hopes of getting some sleep in her comfy bed. I did. I also got to stay home. but while i was sleeping in her bed i had another dream. it wasnt a nightmare but just a sad dream. my friend that goes abck to that hell hole of a school with me was talking to my little brother on msn asking if i went to school today he told her no i stayed home sick because i hadnt been feeling good either so thats why my mother let me stay home, anyway she called me stupid for leaving her alone funny thing is she leaves me alone every day because she has coop. the day im sick i'm stupid for leaving her alone for ONE day. lmao it just gets me giggling every time i think of how my friends say they like me when it couldn't be more obvious that they wouldn't care less if I died. well whatever i'm done.

Sept 26

So I haven't written anything since school started. well let me tell you it sucks worse then last year which I didn't know was possible. So I'm working on an essay right now for media studies. Should be easy but since it's me it's not. Tomorrow's actually the drop dead due date. Woo fun times. I'm screwed for tomorrow. I wonder if I'll be able to trick my mum and tell her I had to pull an all nighter to get it done so I can stay home tomorrow. I doubt it but I'm gonna try anyway. I should probably get back to that essay...I still have all that online course stuff to do too...

Sept 4

Okay so first of all I WANNA CRRRRYYYYY I just finished watching Samurai Champloo again and I have that sad empty feeling you get after a good anime/manga lol. Okay second I did my hair again, I might put up a slideshow thingy off all my different hair colors. Right now its black blue and orange! Ugh that thought I just had ruined my mood. Guess what it was...Yep school. Piece of shit...no one needs school anymore anyway so what the fuck. Grah just the word pisses me the fuck off. Hmm my hair's soft...Ugh schools on Tuesday. Fuck that I'm not actually staying for the day. Hopefully my friend will be able to get his car and get me outta there lol. At least I get to dress in my new clothes yayy. Guh fuck 3 Days...

Sept 2

So today was pretty exciting(at the beginning) I went with my friend to get her tattoo today. I think I was more scared then she was to be honest. And after watching I'm still not sure if I can do it myself but I really want my tattoo. I also got my new glasses today, they're really nice looking the only problem is that they look weird for my at the moment, I guess my eyes just gotta get used to them. Tomorrow I'm going to my Niisans to bake with Jeanette, I'm also getting my hair cut >< I'm excited. The only bad thing today has been my times table. My school's retarded and I need to fix it.

Sept 1

September. I hate September. School's in 6 days. I'm not excited. I'm actually more sick then usual and I'm blaming it on school. Tomorrow I'm hopfully going to watch a friend get a tattoo. That is if she ever stops watching movies with caleb and comes online. I need to know the time that we're going because I need to get my new glasses tomorrow. I also might need to get my hair cut by my mothers hairdresser who I don't really like because I might not be able to get a hold of mine before school. Then I'll have to dye it myself with box die and no good colors. Woo. Life sucks. Friday I'm going to my Niisans, I'm excited. Ugh this year hasn't started and it fucking sucks already...My brother's going to get out time tables tomorrow or friday. They better have fuckin put all my classes in one semester or I'll fucking kill someone

Aug 31

So Stephs party was pretty fun. I saw Sabrina who I haven't seen in FOREVER. I missed her a lot. I also found out who one of the people reading my blog was. And it was one of my friends. I don't mind at all but I'm not doing this blog for advice so when she started talking to me about stuff I pretty much tuned it out. No offence Dawn but I post on this blog and not on the others because my friends advice doesn't help me it makes me angry or depressed. It's why I blog and not talk to people about stuff. Now, I know she'll be reading my blog but that's not going to stop me from writting whatever I feel I need to. So back to about Stephs, it was pretty fun. I was made to watch Moulin Rouge which I wasn't too excited about at first but it's a really good movie. I couldn't get over the fact that the main character was Obi Wan Kenobi though. I kept saying things like 'well that wouldn't have happened if he had his light saber.' But yeah I now want the movie so I can watch it again. Anyway we pretty much stayed outside and talked then when Sabrina left we went inside and watched movies. That was pretty much it lol well whatever at least I got to see people I haven't in a while.

Aug 30

So the poll I set up is done. I'm not surprised there's only 3 votes since I only have 3 people following me. But what DID surprise me was that the 3 people who voted weren't all in the 'i follow' catagory. In fact 2 of the 3 were not. That means there are 2 people I don't know reading my things. I have no problem with this it just makes me curious. I mean do I know you? Or are you someone who found my blog randomly one day and decided you were so bored you'd read it. I know I've never got a comment from whoever you are, that's fine as well I mean you don't have to comment, the people following me barely comment, I think I've got 3 comments all together and one of them was me. Anyway I just hope you enjoy reading for whatever reason you do. Maybe it's becasue you feel sorry for me, or you're boerd, or you like reading to make fun of me or whatever just hope it's interesting in some way to you.

On a different note today I'm going to a 'goodbye party' for my 2 friends who are leaving to Toronto for school. It's pretty much the last time we'll have almost everyone together is all. I guess I'm excited..

Sort of.

Aug 29

9 days. 9 fucking days. I don't know what to do. I hope this sickness gets worse and I can't go to school or something. God since I have to go back I wish I at least had some really awesome earphones. I actually started this post a while ago but I forgot about it, anyway I can't write more now because I'm going to watch a movie with my brother.

bye.

twitch 9 days.

Aug 28

Sooo I'm moping again. Big surprise. So yesterday we went to my brother Darins place for dinner. My brothers Darin, Taylor and Melvin(little brother) were all there and making fun of me . -nod- But it wasn't normal making fun, it's the kind that makes me wish I wasn't alive cuz I'm such a failure. Just letting me know how dumb I am. How much of a failure I am. How I can't do anything right. You know that kinda stuff. So finally, because I was so over tired I felt like crying so I left the house headed for the park. Unfortunately before I could make it there for a good cry my sister in law called me from her car and asked if I wanted to go to the store with her. Because I didn't want anyone to know I was going to cry I said sure and got in the car with her. It was hard to not cry walking up to the car and being in the car. I didn't get my good cry yesterday. And I can't have it today since my brothers girlfriend is here. Crying is pathetic anyway. I mean just cuz my life sucks doesn't mean I should cry right? I mean just cuz my friends purposly don't tell me about things then I find out by accident from their little brother doesn't mean I should feel betrayed right? Just cuz my brothers hate me and make me feel like shit every time we're all in the same room for fun doesn't mean I should cry, right? Right. I need to stop being such a baby all the time. 'Take care of myself' as they say. Perhaps I'll go die somewhere, it's easier then life and though they say its stupid they would probably feel relieved that I'm not around to bother them anymore. They wont have to 'take care' of me or 'baby' me or anything cuz there wont be a me to bother with. Have I mentioned I'm sick yet? No not sick in the head. Then again I could be. No it's kinda like a cold I guess. I feel like shit. I almost threw up and I'm dizzy and have a headache. Maybe I'm dying? No that would be too much to ask. What fun would it be for everyone else if I wasn't around to make fun of. You know my only brother that doesn't bother me about stuff is my niisan. And at the moment I'm really missing him. Oh there we go here come the tears. Gotta keep it to a minimum though since my little brother and girlfriend are downstairs and could come up at any moment. Anyway my niisan never bothers me about a job. One of the favourite subjects to bother me about with my other brothers. He never bothers me about my eating or lack of eating rather. He doesn't constantly let me know how stupid I am either. I'd like to visit him and Jeanette again at their house before school but oh wait thats only 10 days away. Oh great I just remembered I have eyeliner on. Perhaps I can just make it look like I rubbed my eyes instead of looking like I was crying like the baby I am. Oh right my little brother got new speakers for the computer he has in his room. Cool huh. Now he's got everything cool in his room. Oh hah guess what? My dvd player's broken. haha yeah it's funny. The only thing I have in my room is broken ahaha. I feel sick. I wish I'd jsut throw up so I'd feel better already. I think I'm shaking too. Well I guess I'm done now, my moms back in the house and I'm feelinga little empty now. So Still doing the countdown. 10 Days.

Aug 25 (sorta its past midnight)

So after trying to chill out, not ruin things and make my friend believe I'm not mad at her anymore my retarded little brother decided to tell her I'm still mad. I finally decided 'you know what? whatever its not the first time it's happened' when I was mad at her before. So I started talking to her again so she'd know I wasn't mad. Then I asked if she still planned to get a tattoo. Yes she did and yes I could go with her and watch. But then she told me what she wanted. 'Love' on her wrist I thought oh cool. Then she said she wanted the japanese kanji 'love' there too. That's what annoyed me. I've always wanted that tattoo and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before. It bothered me but I didn't want to say anything. So I decided 'hey what if I got it before here then it won't look like I copied her' it was a good idea but it made me feel kinda bitchy which I told Michael. He told me that it was no bitchy-er then saying she had stole my idea. So either way I guess I'm a bitch. What I didn't know was my stupid brother was downstairs on his computer talking to my friend. He told her I was mad because of the tattoo. Now I know she's gonna get it still. But now she also knows I'm mad. It would have been better and easier if he just kept his damn mouth shut. He thinks that my friends are his friends and it's annoying. I think it's mostly annoying because if they had to choose between being friends with me or my brother they'd choose him since he's nicer. Sigh damnit I hate feeling so lonely and crap. I'd really like a kitten so I can talk to it ( yeah I know that's weird.) and have something to snuggle with and stuff but mother wont let me have one. I mean I even know where to get a free kitten. But she still wont let me have it. I guess I'm destined to be lonely for my entire life. Sucks to be me.

God. Does anyone have a little brother who thinks they're smarter then you? Or a little sibling in general who thinks they're smarter. They give you advice tell you what to do pretend they're amazing. It's really fucking annoying. 'you need to learn to be cheerful! It makes life so much better!' the brat says. I don't have anything to be cheerful about so how the fuck am I supposed to act all cheerful. He's got more then me of course he's happy. His room has more stuff in it then mine. Hes got a dumbass girlfriend and has had many while I at 18 years old have never had one I'm just really sick of my life right now... I'm so annoyed. I hate who I am but can't change.

Aug 24

So I got up at 4. I had a nightmare. It was weird and thinking back on it it makes no sense. I was in a shopping mall with my mother my brother(who wasn't really my brother) and a girl with younger siblings who were twins. We had split up to do something, we took pictures too then we were running for some reason and we get to my brother then slow motion a fuckin car comes out of nowhere and hits him. So we're crying that he's dead and stuff and then my brother's all of a sudden gone and it's my mother who had died. The twins changed clothes and expected no one to notice. I got mad and screamed at the boy who just had a wig on, not even his clothes changed and yelled at him 'do you expect us not to notice?!' he smirked and said something then I looked over and the girl ran. I turned to the older sister and demanded to know where she was going, she said to find my brother. We went to a car where I was mad and crying and everyone was happy and stuff then I screamed in anger and sadness and I woke up to my mother yelling that it was 4 and I should get up. I ran upstairs and hugged her. She thought I was mad but it was the first time I've been so glad to be woken up. The dream now makes no sense but then it was crazy real.


My brother's friend (the one with the tattoo -pout- ) has kittens that she needs to get rid of, for free. My mother will not let me have one. It's not fair... I'd like to have something I can cuddle with I'm pretty lonely but she doesn't really notice that I guess.

Aug 23

So it took my brother a while after seeing the cake to understand but I think he liked it. I think. So my little brother cleaned his room and stuff yesterday with my brother marty's help. I didn't think anything of it. I mean it's cleaning a room how exciting is that? I found out last night though that he has his computer in his room now! It's not fair! I don't even HAVE a computer and I'm older! I mean I MIGHT understand if he had his computer and I had my TV but noooo he's got a TV in there too! And all the game consoles! Everyones all 'well if you had a computer you'd never come out of your room' well so what? I'm on the computer upstairs right now my mothers a few feet away and she's got the TV on, I've got my music in and we're not talking. I'd be better off in my room. I could blast my music and work on things like my blog without having to worry about someone walking past me and seeing it. He got his computer for free too. I could have gotten one too if my mother didn't take so long in deciding if I could have it in my room. Taylor bothered me saying 'don't blame it on mom' and being all in my business again. God that's annoying. That tattoo is haunting my dreams. Seriously. I keep dreaming of getting it but I know it's painful so in my dream I'm in pain too. It sucks. I'm scared to get it but I really want it. Well whatever. I'll stop here for today.

Aug 22

Okay so I'm getting a tattoo. I dunno when but I know I want it. http://foottattoosdesign.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/cancer-ribbon-tattoo-ideas.jpg that's it. Except where it says mom it'll be dad and the red will be blue and the dates will be changed. Last Night at 5 in the morning I had a break down randomly. It happens everyonce in a while. I couldn't sleep until 6 in the morning. Anyway I'm getting the tattoo some time. I'm still scared of needles though.

Aug 22 (sorta, its 12:30)

Okay so we just picked my little brother up from his girlfriend and friends sweet 16 party. One of his little friends (a 16 year old girl) has a new tattoo. We were talking about tattoos in the car and my brother said he wanted a couple. I laughed and said he'd have to wait until he was 18 when he could go get one without moms permission cuz she'd never give him permission to get one. She agreed saying she wouldn't. He whined about it for a bit and then I said I could go get one if I wasnt scared of needles. I couldn't decide what I wanted though. He told me his girlfriend was going to get one too in a few months and I asked what she was getting. He told me she was getting a caner ribbon with a puzzle of other colors on the inside. I asked why and what colors. He told me a few and I asked what they were for. He said the dark blue one was for prostate cancer (which when I got home and looked at he was wrong, it's light blue) and I asked him why she'd get that one and he told me for dad. That irritated me a bit and I told him she wasn't even in our family so she shouldn't get it. I think I was mostly irritated because I know I'm too much of a wimp to get a tattoo and she isn't. Now I want a tattoo more then ever. Not just for me but for my dad kind of. I want a prostate cancer ribbon (light blue ribbon) on my forarm with my dads name in it or maybe just 'dad'. Anyway yeah I really want a tattoo.


My friends mother is kinda crazy. She's making Elena(my friend) get rid of all her anime and manga related things until the end of university she's always controlled Elena so I convinced her to get a tattoo, which her mother said she couldn't get. So when she's 18 we're secretly going to get her one. I'm excited ^^ On a completely different note tomorrow I'm making a cake for my brothers birthday and it's hopefully gonna rock. I'm excited ^^

bye now

Aug 18(second post)

So I didn't want to go to her photo shoot because it was 7 deadly sins which is the big project I did for school so she kinda took my idea and I wasn't too happy. Now I saw the photos and wish I was there. Only because sabrina was there and i havent seen her in forever and today online she didnt seem too happy. Now I'm extremely bored and for some dumb reason slightly sad or depressed. I'm actually learning a song on the guitar even though I can't play. 'I wanna' by all american rejects I don't know why I'm so obsessed with it right now but I am. I wish I could sing and play guitar. I could actually start a band then. And I could feel as happy as I do when I'm blasting music when I'm home alone. Ugh I'm just being stupid. Only talented people can have bands. It's also a little harder to start a band when all your friends are leaving for university. God life sucks haha

Aug 18

I got to see Scott Pilgrim. It was pretty good. I have that 'no emotion' feeling thing again. I wonder what's wrong with me. I want to draw sad pictures but I can't draw well at all so I'm having trouble I'd thought about writting songs for something to do but I also can't write. If my family wasn't home I'd blast music and stuff for something to do. I feel tired but I've slept for about 12 hours. Oh yeah my moms cousin from england is coming to visit in September. It's cool because he's got an accent but I still don't like meeting new people. It's also going to be around when we start school again and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be happy then. It's starting to get to me. Even when hanging out with friends I'm not completely happy because I know it'll be over soon. That I'll be by myself in less then a month. My friends keep telling me that they'll come visit me and stuff and I try to be happy about it but i know it wont happen because they'll be busy. I'm going to a goodbye party for Daniel and Stephanie at Stephanies house on teh 30th-31st since they're also going to Toronto so it'll be the last time to be with them. Sigh I guess I can start my count down now.


20 days.

Aug 14

So I want to smoke. I keep having dreams where I smoke. I don't cough and stuff but it looks cool. I want colts cigars though cuz you don't have to inhail them and they're better for you...it's also because my dad smoked them. I'm not old enough to buy them and I also don't really have money at the moment. So I just figured out the movie I wanted to see is not played in Barrhaven because it sucks. David just asked me if I wanted to go to the Expendables on Tuesday and I told him I was already seeing a movie on Tuesday and now it turns out I'm not. But I don't want to go crawling back to him telling him I'm not going anymore then ask for information. I want to se Scott Pilgrim anyway not go see another movie so they can go 'oh Scott Pilgrim was much better then this movie' hopefully I'll be able to see Scott Pilgrim at some point.

Aug 13 (second post)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHA! HA! HA. HA. HA.HAHA. FUCK YOU.
Hm how strange that didn't make me feel better at all -frown- I wonder why?
Right now I have a want. A feeling of need. The need to do something bad and stupid.
Why? Well I do have a little idea but it's just as stupid as what I want to do.
I want to go to a movie alone. See if anyone bothers me. Don't try to stop them if they do.
I want to do something stupid that I know I'll regret later. Give away my first kiss. First make out session to some random person.
Go to the same place my friends go while their out together and they don't invite me just so they can ask who I'm with and I'll tell them nobody. That I'm alone and going to meet a random person.
I want to do something SO stupid. Go get pregnant. See if anyone cares or notices me then. If not at least I'll have my baby.
Go get drunk at a random party with random people.
Go get high just because no one cares.
Commit suicide. Because life's pointless. No one will miss me anyway.
I want to do something stupid....something I'll regret....and I know if I say this here no one will stop me.
I'm going to go to the movies by myself on Tuesday. If my mother asks who I'll be with I'll tell her I'm by myself. If she doesn't let me go I'll tell her I'm meeting friends. Maybe something bad will happen.

Aug 13

It's friday the 13th. It's supposed to be my lucky day. So far it's not been lucky at all. My friends are going to a movie that I really wanted to see and my mother wont drive me. -smirk- what a surprise. Not just my mom not driving me but that my friends get to go to another movie that I really wanted to see without me. I guess I'm blaming them a bit but I know I shouldn't. I know I'm just jealous. Eclipse, Avatar the last airbender and today Scott Pilgrim vs the world. 3 movies I want to see terribly. 2 of which my friends have seen without me. Well today is the 2nd one. Again it's not their fault. Not really. I got the information from them and asked my mother and she refused to drive me without me even finishing explaining. If I wasn't such a loser I'd have my G by now then I could just ask for the car instead. But no I'm a loser and got my license this year only. Ow. fuck. I think I just burnt my tongue with my tea. God. Some day my 'lucky' day is turning out to be. Lately my brother's been really annoying. The one that came back from Vancouver. He's always saying that he's 30 living at home with his mother not knowing what he's doing with his life and that I don't want to end up like him. Then he tells me to do things. What gives him the idea that the guy who doesn't know what he's doing with his life can tell me what to do? We fought before he left camping with his friends and I'm still not sure if I'm not going to angry with him when he comes home. My little brother can be quite annoying too though that's nothing new since he IS my little brother. My other older brother that lives in NG helped me out with my resume last night and its all ready to hand in when my friend takes me to bring it in. I'm not really excited. When I started writing this post I was a little depressed. Then I started to not really feel anything. When asked how I was I said I wasn't really sure. Now I'm listening to a song I used to hate but now I can't listen to it without laughing or at least smiling. I suppose it's a good thing but I can't share that with anyone cuz all my friends hate the song. I've got no way of getting them either so I'm on youtube when I shouldn't be. Listening to them also makes me want to write my fanfiction. I'd stopped writting for a bit because even though I have a few people 'following' my fanfiction I barely get any reviews so it makes me slow at writing it. It's happening again. I'm going into that weird apathetic mode. Hn. Maybe I'm depressed. Well I certainly am when I think of 25 days from now. Stupid school. Whoever came up with that idea was a fucking moron. Pff there goes my mother being an ass again. She's so paranoid she doesn't use her credit card online. I don't like my brother's girlfriend but he's trying to buy some dumb ring online for her and like most 15 year olds doesn't have a credit card of his own. So she should help but she's not nice like that. Wow it's 4:35 I bet they're at the movie right now. I wonder how it is. I think a higher entity is making fun of me. I also saw on facebook that the movie I really want to see that my friends are out seeing right now comes out today. Yay. Oh haha wow I'm so weird. I actually can't listen to these songs without laughing and being happy. Do you have a song like that? wait why am I asking it's not like you'll answer. That is if there is anyone actually reading this. I actually wonder if there's anyone who's ever checked this out besides my friend. So I've been writting my fanfiction at the same time as writting this blog for over an hour. I'm pretty much just putting anything that's happening around me on the blog because I've nothing better to do and I haven't posted in forever. Well my mother and brother still haven't stopped fighting. It's now 5:16. They're ridiculous. Speaking of ridiculous I want to start a band. Now I'm not going to tell anyone because I wont admit I'd like to be a singer and I know my friends will think its a dumb idea. Specially now that everyones leaving to university. I've wanted to actually be in a band since I was little but I know I'm not a very good singer. The closest I can get to a band is rock band which I haven't played in forever and would love to play. I love singing in rock band but one of my friends seems to think that I should always play the drums because she can't do anything. Ugh I'm so bored and my mother is inside so I can't blast music and sing T_T. Alright this going back and forth in between my fanfiction and my blog is confusing. I'll go now.

Jaa mata

Aug 10

So I've been thinking...i know..crazy right? anyway I've been thinking...what if I'm legit depressed? Like I'm barely ever happy, I get mad a lot for no reason, I barely eat, so what if I really am depressed? But then when I think that I think, would a depressed person say they're depressed?
I dunno -shrug- Anyway I went camping this weekend...at my sisters. Yep are family stayed in her huge backyard camping in tents. Cept when it rained then we were all inside. By the end of it all everyone was grumpy and I was glad it was over. One more thing to say before I leave. It's annoying as fuck when you need to talk to people to plan things and they're NEVER on.


Jaa mata.

Aug 3

Leaving for toronto tomorrow..wooo...gonna stay at my aunts while we're there...going to marine land and niagra falls for my sisters birthday. we come home friday then saturday we're out camping until the 11th i believe.. anyway none of thats extremely exciting to me but after all that for my friends birthday we're going to go see that new Scott Pilgram movie..or whatever its called anyway ive been waiting to see it and this time ill actually be invited instead of people going to a movie i want to see without me! I know its quite exciting! -sigh- my friend A will probably be gone by the time I get back..I wont be able to see him for quite a while...well..im going to go mope some more perhaps ill post when i get back

Jaa mata

July 31

So school starts on September the 7th i found out. It makes me depressed so i block it out as well as possible. So instead of talking about that I'm going to talk about something that actually makes me happy. -gasp- i know right? happy? me? crazehhh. Anyway. I'm learning Japanese! any fun so I'm not telling anyone else hehehe I'm evil. We'll have convos infront of others and they wont know what we're saying HAHAHAH ahem. anyway. I went to my brothers and he got what I needed to learn it ^^ I hung out with him and J(his gf) and it was really fun! me and J made cupcakes and went to walk around downtown at niiight. We was gonna go get some bubble tea but they didn't have any of those black pearls left D: stoopiiiid. So instead we went and got some ice caps yummeh. My brother's gonna learn japanese with me as well i believe ^^ its so cooool I'm still nervous to talk to my other brother (D)'s japanese friend though since I can't speak well and I probably wont know what shes saying lol but yeah I have something to do while trying not to think of school. Anyway


Jaa mata!(the ACTUAL way of saying goodbye in japanese lol though it's not spelt that way prolly)

July 11

When people go off because the group of friends is not 'fun' enough or they have better things to do
That's annoying.
When people have just one person in a room of friends they'll talk to and drag around all night
That's annoying.
When people go places that they know you can't go because you live in the middle of nowhere but they still wont try to help you get there, instead they'll just invite you like they're rubbing it in your face
That's annoying.
When someone tries too hard to be the only girl in a group of guys but wont admit it and ends up annoying or hurting someone else
That. is. annoying.
When people know you're mad at them but come ask you if you are?
annoying.
When you're NOT mad at someone but they're going around telling everyone you are because they think they're the center of the universe
annoying.
When talking to people and i ask whats up and the person says 'so and so is asking me about your pm' which is about so and so and they should know it.
annoying.
When people tell me they're sorry. That I'm one of their 'best friends and they don't want to fight' liar.
annoying.


So this weekends not been too bad. I haven't been online too much even though I'm usually bored. My brother and his girlfriend are down, she'll do things other then play video games and makes my brother watch movies with us. My aunts been down for the past 2 weeks she's left today, she bought us video games that we picked out which is cool. my brother and his gf are leavng tonight but we're bringing someone else home with us.

One of my other brothers. I haven't seen him in a few years since he's been in BC. I've been annoyed at a lot of things lately so when talking to him on msn he thought I wasn't glad he was coming home because of the way I was talking. Unfortunately he wont be staying with us too long he'll be moving into his dad's place in the city so he can get a job in the city. After he's got money he'll move out to his own appartment.


That's all for today. Ja ne.

June 30

When I say I'm okay, I'm probably not.

When I say it doesn't matter it's probably something important.

When I say I'm just being stupid...well that may be true but that doesn't change the fact that maybe I do want to talk about it

I do like him. How do I know? I'm insanely jealous. She goes out to dinner with him and I sit here crying about it because I wasn't aware anyone was doing anything and I'd been left out again. I'm probably the only one feeling this way though since everyone's always invited places. She said she was completely over him. Hah. That's the biggest lousiest lie I've ever heard. She's always clinging to him, how's that 'over' someone? I don't know if he still likes her, actually likes hanging out with her or just can't say no. Doesn't matter the only person who's ever on to talk to about this with me is mad at me because I'm stupid. I'm very glad I have this blog. I told her today I was sick of doing nothing all the time and all she could say was 'hmmm' then she goes off and has dinner with the guy I like and 2 friends!! I fucking hate life! It sucks is useless painful and unfair!

June 29

So everyone graduated yesterday. Woo for them! Snort who am I trying to kid. I'm so pissed and envious of them! I mean I know I'm the one that was too stupid to pass but I just can't not be mad. I know I'm a bad person for being that way too but I can't change it. At least I don't let them know. All their personal messages and facebook statues' are something to do with congratulating all South Carleton 2010 graduates! Good for them. I even did something stupid and let my emotions slip a bit putting 'still in high school! :D...' on my facebook but of course only 3 out of my maybe 20 ish friends even took a second out of their day to notice it. So I'd say today my 7 deadly sins I have are wrath and envy. But then that's not unusual. I'm also paranoid I believe. Right now no one's online. My first thought? They're all together having fun and don't even try to include me. Then again I could be right and they really could be doing that. But no one will find out that I'm mad except Mi who then again might tell Fr but whatever -shrug- I slept as long as I could today, only 3:30. It wasn't long enough. I still have time to sit here and feel like the biggest loser on the planet. I wish I could just sleep forever. It's be a lot better then this hell. Some times when I'm with friends I think "how could I ever have thought that? these guys are the best ever!" and then I'm alone. and I think "why do I think they're the best. they leave me out of things on purpose. what the hell." That's just my envy showing though, people are allowed to have fun without me. On a completely different note. I've decided I want to learn how to play the piano and violin. But I know I'd never be able to do it because my friend L is right I give up way to easily. Anyway hopefully this is enough that I wont blow up at someone in real life...

bye.

June 24

So life sucks. -nod- i slept over at my friends house which wasn't too bad but we went on a walk at 2:30 in the fucking morning and it sucked. i hate the dark and my friends house is like the perfect horror movie house. Surrounded by trees and a lake. Wonderful. So when they decided to go for a walk at 2:30 in the morning through a graveyard on the way back i wasnt very happy. I got picked up today at 11 and came home. I lost my licence yesterday and had no idea when I lost it. Whether it was at the eye doctors or between the house and the garage. When we got home there was a message on the mechine, a nice man had found my license. That was the good part of my day. We got another phone call today, before I was home. It was my law teacher. I failed. Big surprise there right? I cannot believe I wasted my time going to the law exam. I could have slept. Oh and get this just like in yearbook, I failed with a 40. 10% away from passing! Hah! Some higher entity has a big ass sense of humor. Hm anyway very depressed right now really sucks. I'm also very very bored.
HE also still has no idea that I like him. its good though. I mean it could ruin the little friendship we have. well that's all I feel like putting for now.


Ja ne.



P.S. Prom pretty much sucked ass.

June 21

Prom is tomorrow. I'm not really excited. I don't have a hair style no jewlery and HE isn't coming.
I also failed my law exam today. Pretty sure I'm actually going to have to go back for like 5 classes next year. So a full school year and not just a half. I'm dying my hair again at the moment. It's washed out a bit so I'm re-dying it before prom, my foreheads now blue and my hair dark blue. Wonderful. Actually it's not too bad...right now..we'll see after its washed out. Got my eyebrows waxed today too. it hurt at first as always but I think they look better even though my family says there's no difference. got to go wash out my hair.

Ja ne.
P.S. Hi Mi I know you read these some times.

June 19

Well today was interesting. Went to a soccer game. I always go to this soccer game on saturdays. It's my friend F's 'asian soccer team' the whole team but her and her mother are asian, it's pretty funny. Anyway. today was also my friend LS's birthday party. I had asked F way earlier if we'd be able to make it to LS's party after soccer and she said we could. We ended up not. So LS is mad at me of course. My brother's over right now. Letting me know how much of a failure I am having to go back to school cuz I'm lazy and stuff, like I don't know. Like I need them to tell me that. What they and all my friends don't believe is that I used to try really hard. But my best was not good enough. it was about as good as half assed so why work my ass off when it gets me nothing right? well for that i get 'what a bad attitude' and all that. then stuff like 'well i guess you'll be stuck in high school you're whole life.' haha my family... hmm...Prom's in 3 days. I'm not really excited. I don't have any accessories and no time to get any. I have an exam on monday which I'm going to fail whether I study or not. Stupid Law. it's retarded...anyway...life sucks. I really like that guy. like more then before and now i feel like a loser for even saying that. whatever only one of my friends got ahold of my blog haha -shrug- anyway gonna go talk to him a little more -blush- mahhh<---loser face. oh! S got me a song I wanted hehe it's still alive but it's in Japanese! I'm going to try to learn it!


Ja ne.

June 17

It's already started. I'm missing days for posting, oh well hopefully I just wont completely forget about this blog. I doubt I will since this is where I write my real feelings instead of pretending everything's okay. So on monday when I went to school I went with the intention of getting most of my photography work done. Well that didn't happen. I wasn't even able to get an enlarger. During my law class (which I skipped to go to the programming room) one of my other friends came and found me telling me that F needed more paper. I was very angry since at the begining of the year we get 100 sheets, we pay $60 for 50 sheets and you share them. I shared with my friend F. Bad idea. I used at most 20 sheets of paper while she used the rest, so you can imagine how I was angry that she was asking for more (i had brought some in from last year that i was using) but I gave it to her anyway so she'd be done for next class when we actually had photo. Nope didn't happen. She took my paper and all class to work on her portfolio. So after my english exam yesterday I went and worked on my stuff some more. I got my independent projects printed out and left them to dry on the drying rack. I had a little bit of a break down after that, I phoned my mother and begged her to come get me because there was nothing I could do and I would fail anyway. She was silly and said stuff like don't give up and crap but came and got me anyway. I went back in today to do work, I matted my 7 deadly sin pictures and my 'yin and yang' pictures. There was no way I clould get more pictures done for my portfolio since I had no more paper left. I phoned my mom to come pick me up telling her ive done as much as i could, it was a slight lie, I could have written my write ups but I was so damn tired I just asked a friend matt the pictures I did have if she had time and was bored, she agreed and I thanked her. Which brings me to my conversation with her....


Fr says:
Hello lol
Me says:
thanks you very much
Fr says:
No problem
But N
Me says:
yes?
Fr says:
you got K to write your essay
you got me to do your portfolio
and then i found out you copied SM's stuff in law
lol
Me says:
didnt copy SM's law stuff she told me the answers when she asked what question i was on
Fr says:
well either way lol
Me says:
I'll pay you all for your troubles -bows-
Fr says:
i dont mind doing it for you
its just
hm.
well
you were all upset cause you couldnt get any work done... but you went home early both days and refused to use the free enlargers, then got me to do your portfolio instead of staying and doing it yourself :/
next year youll be on your own
thats all
Me says:
So sorry -nodnod- Sleeping is stupid anyway and it's not like I need to, so sorry for the troubles -bows-
Fr says:
sleeping?
Me says:
Nothing master -bows-
Fr says:
like at night? -_-
lol
-pats-
just
your gonna have to pul your act together next year
so you can graduate
i love you
lol
Me says:
Thank you master -bow-
Fr says:
thats creepy lol
Me says:
sorry master -bow-
Fr says:
lol

First of all, all the things that I 'got people to do for me' I actually did not expect them to do. But either way she was right. I'm completely useless and I suck at life. I wish I was strong enough to quit. But unfortunately I suck at that too. Next year hopefully I'll get depressed enough to either become very good in school or maybe die of depression. I've not exactly been happy lately hah but I've obviously done a great job hiding it so -shrug- it's not like I don't know I'm going to be alone next year. I find it funny how people have the need to tell me that. There's something else that pissed me off and made me depressed at the same time today. In another conversation with F...
F says:
mathew just texted me and asked me to hag out with him and go for a drive
i was like sorrryyy soccer tonight

It is fuckin' hilarious how she's such a bitch to guys and they still go after her. I have no idea why maybe they're just really really retarded. Well maybe one day they'll learn. I doubt it but maybe


School's over. 1 more exam then my hell will become worse (:

June 15

So I'm retarded and forgot to post last night... Too much work ugh T-T but the awesome thing is I asked my friend K to write one of my essays and he did it! I didn't beg or anything and it really surprised me but I'm very happy that he did it. I wouldn't have finished if he didn't. With all that I had an okay day but should have posted yesterday because i know there were some bad parts i wanted to put down that i now dont remember, anyway I'm going to post again later today

Today's the last day of high school. I feel sick..(:

June 13

Well today sucked. I got up at 1 to do my english stuff and I'm still not done. I can't concentrate I started talking to people and my friend K started saying things about going to miss people but how no one's going to stay in contact and I know it's true so I've been a little depressed all day too. I still haven't figured out which 'hero' is my oral presentation hero and which one's my written hero, it's annoying and i can't do it. My friend Mi is pissing me the fuck off too. I'm just trying to help and of course he's being pissy because I'm mad at Fr. Well I wouldn't be if she didn't always lie and get people into trouble and say she knows its bad but does it over and over. She said she's not leaving the house from a lie anymore. which in itself is a lie because i dont believe she'll NOT lie. I have an exam in 3 days and our teacher didn't really get us ready for it so I'm pretty much screwed. I'm for sure screwed for my law exam. It's on the 21st. I wish I could say I'm going to be okay next year but I know I wont. If I had my M1 it might be a little better but it's not going to be okay. My weekend was rather quiet until my brother came home today and started being annoying. Him and my brother always fight. it's annoying. Any way. Not looking forward to these next two weeks...or the summer...or anything anymore really..


still 2 days, since im not counting weekends

June 12

First of all I'd like to say I'm PISSED at my friend Fr.
Last night she went with some guy friends to the movies and that was perfectly okay. I enjoyed the fact that it was only me, S, M, and A having a movie night. But what pissed me off was that Fr decided to go back to her boyfriends house (Mi) when she's not allowed to. She's secretly dating him. She goes back with Mi and friends (K, D, Sa) all boys. She phoned me at the movie night at A's and asks me to ask S if he can go to Mi's to pick her up and bring her back to F's. S didn't want to go all that way just to have to come back to his house so we said no, she said it was alright and that she'd get a ride from Mi's mother, she ended up getting a ride and was there when S dropped me off at F's house. She was moping around and being weird so I went online and asked Mi why she was being like that, he said it was because she didn't have a ride home. So I asked him why she didn't just go home after the movie. All he said was "idk". After when we were getting ready for bed she was talking about leaving at 6 in the morning to walk to barrhaven (we were in North Gower) to take a bus. We thought she was being dumb and wouldn't really do it. Well we were right she DIDN'T leave at 6. She woke us up at 4 in the morning while it was raining hard outside to ask for an umbrella. Since it was 4 in the fucking morning we weren't exactly in our right minds. F got her an umbrella and said her good byes at the door. Once she was back comfy in her bed she realized what happened. She sat up and turned on a light, grabbed a phone and texted Fr. She told her she needed to get back here now. Fr just texted back saying it was 'fine' and that she was already at the end of the rode. They had a huge fight back and forth for at least 3 hours, most of which I was sleeping and F had to deal with it by herself. So that's the story of Fr being a fucking retard. I'm extremely angry. If anything had happened to Fr not only would we feel bad for letting her go we'd also be in deep shit and everyone else would blame us. She didn't think of any of that. She just thought 'I'm not going to get hurt everything will be fine.' She was damn selfish and it makes me mad. She doesn't think and she acts like a fucking moron. I know she's smarter then that. I mean she DID think of leaving at 4 in the morning when we were confused from sleep to pull this shit on us. She DID lie to her father and tell him that F's father was home so she could stay over. I only feel a little bad for hoping something bad happens to her to teach her a god damned lesson.

On top of all that I'm so fuckin screwed for all my classes and I didn't get to go to the asian soccer game today because we had no ride since F's parents were gone.


2 days left of school.

June 11

Today nothing special happened in the morning, we went to school with our bags stuffed
I went to my first period class Law and finished that test
I went to photo next and printed 3 pictures of my '7 deadly sins'
I skipped 3rd period english to 'do photography'
One friend got shot gun in the car and flirted with the driver, I'm surprised he didn't crash
My friends decided they'd invite me to a scary movie when they know i dont like them and now theyre going tonight , some times i hate some of my friends.
But whatever. I'm going to a movie night with better people. it'll be awesome.

2 days..